The Rose

Is it too late for me to say happy new year? hihi happy new year! it's 2016! anddd my birthday is  2 months from now anddd thennn i'm 19!!! yeayyy!! a year to go till i end my STPM and i'm off from here! from KUANTAN. InshaaAllah :')

the words that came out from my Angah's mouth on the 1st january of 2016 were... "if you think you're matured enough at the age of 20, i can set you up with my bestfriend. choose any of them then get married with one" WHUTTTTT?!

okayy i never thought that my brother would say that thangg ya knoww? okay, anyway, i don't feel like to get married when i reach 20. i guess, the ideal age i want to get married is at the age of 22 or 23?? which it means that 3 to 4 years from now then? maybe.. but... i don't even have any boyfriends...i meant, a boyfriend.. ha ha ha? punny. 2016 ima can be fucking funny yeahhh! (doing bitchy face or as know as cool face?) whatever.

i know i'm 19, and please please, before i start my school session on 4th jan, please let me think about 'marriage' okay? let me touch it a bit. hahahaha. when it comes to think about who's gonna be my husband, i feel a cramp in my stomach as we know, that our soulmate are the one who reflects ourselves. as a saying goes, the one who's good on the inside and outside would be met with someone as same as her or him. if you get the not-so-you maybe you are fated to change them for the better or they are fated for you to change you for the better. so to my future husband, just wanna let you know that if i can't be your first, and you're eventually not my first, i'm here preparing myself to be your last and inshaaAllah, you're gonna be my last till jannah. (KALAU AKU KAHWIN HAHAHA).

okay, now i'm gonna touch my post of 'the rose'. it was very very first time for me to be called as a 'rose' from someone i really loved for back then. and because being the rose is hurting him, he left me. so there's no quotes or saying that the man would stand for you how hard the situation is because it hurts him and when it hurts, he'll leave. i still remember his last saying,

 "because for me, you're like a rose. the more i hold onto it, the more it hurts me"

so let me write a poem.. kinda....

THE ROSE...

have you ever loved a rose,
     and watched her slowly bloom;
     and as her petals would unfold,
     you grew drunk on her perfume.

have you even seen her dance,
     her leaves all wet with dew;
     and quivered with a new romance
     the wind, he loved her too.

have you ever longed for her,
    on nights that go on and on;
    for now, her face is all a blur,
    like a memory kept too long.

have you ever loved a rose,
    and bled against her thorns;
    and swear each night to let her go,
    then love her more by dawn.

have you ever thought about her,
    and it made you fall deeper;
    but you guess it was enough,
    and you let her go, forever.

why i came out another post about him after a year or half of a year he went off? because i don't hold a grudge on him. and ever since new year, i wanna let you guys know that i pray the best for him with whomever he wants. i hope he will be better than before, i hope he would be a better muslim that can guide his beloved to Jannah. and matured in making decision and put Allah first in whatever he's doing because at the end, to Allah we will return ourselves. I thanked to my bestfriend, Chawda that has made us met again after a year, and i feel so glad with Allah for giving me the chance to create even more memories with him and this time, with photos of us. Alhamdulillah, he made me happy. he made me feel appreciated and for the first time, i received my favorite flower from my favorite person. how it made my day, only Allah knows. that was the best birthday ever that we spent together. my 18th birthday was the best. i thanked to him for trying his best to show his effort while i do so. thank you for the good and bad you left for me. because with those, i learnt so much things :') my 2016 would not have you by me anymore.

and now that i have gone, i only ask one thing of you. let her love you in all the ways i have tried to. how afraid you are, let her be your home. i may not know you anymore but i know your soul. i know how much you crave that kind of love, so for me, let it come from her. let her make you be the happiest guy ever that i failed to do so.

Period

why i wanted to talk about period? because guys out there don't even know how to handle their girlfriend when they are having their period in that month. well as everyone knows that period is normal and not normal to boys because if they are having the same bleeding to their down well you guys better check it to a doctor. it might from ... nahh i don't wanna say that.

okay, as you guys know that girls could be as mad as gorilla or even more and suddenly can change into sweet and lovely and then change into a sober and even change into the most annoying human on earth. "oh God, save meee.. i don't want to be part of thing that being teared of into piecessss"- said the boyfriend-

so, here are few things you guys are suggested to do so :

1) okay, you guys don't be panicked. guys? think, if your girlfriend was mad at you for something small, then don't get mad too. just chill relax and follow the flow. just give her some time to be alone. or if you ever said that "okay baby (babi) take your time, i'll leave you alone my dear (bullshit) so get a rest okay honey (bitch)" then curse on her as much as you want. BUT. only just say it in your mind and heart. DON'T EVER say it out. just no dude you shouldn't get mad too let herself fucking pissed off as much as she wants. you just gotta leave her for awhile. not forever dude. NOT FOREVER.

2) don't be too cold to her. sometimes when she's not in a 'stable' condition like she has lost her baby (okay this is too much) okay let's change the subject. not losing the baby but are losing much blood. can you guys think deeper?? girls couldn't think much and just say what she wants as if she's drunk. so when she's cursing you like "you son of bitch mother fucker gentleman such an asshole fucking horny eat your dick off" okay am i too harsh? well sorry then. ya as if she's cursing you, wow don't just take it to your heart you guys just need to think that she's losing her mind so you guys just need some time for her to be totally insane so that you guys could leave her and get another young,hot girl. ok kidding. just don't curse her back. okay dahh i know you have feelings too but do i fucking care? okay i meant, guys she's on her period. can you guys just be gentle and let her free?

3) stop being stupid or in another way too slow to get something in your head. if she ever told you something like how was the movie she have watched or ask you something, don't be like the slowest internet ever that kept loading for hours even for the video that has only 30 seconds of duration. so noob so lame. if you don't get it just don't ask her again, you could annoy her though. (i could be annoyed with that if it was me). just do like you know and give the best answer that you think it could save you from being curse. that's it. simple. life need to be simple with wise thinking. hoho

4) don't ever leave your girlfriend until she ask you to do so. don't try to do something wise as if you know she's period now, so you should leave her alone and let her get some rest so you could do something you want. dude, trust me. DON'T EVER LEAVE your girlfriend as far as she didn't ask you. you'd make her feel unwanted, like you have another bitch to get along to. you'd make her think too far beyond the real situation and that could shake your fucking lovely relationship. so if you wanna keep it strong, don't do shitty things. stay with her, just treat her like you treat her when you're still trying to win her heart. don't stop to make her feel the love from you, douchebag.

5) don't ask her too many questions. because you just make her feel like she's the good-in-so-much-things-to-dig-for. you just gonna annoy her and she could just leave you and not gonna find you until her mood is okay. so don't. keep that until she has ended her period time. so later, ask her as much as you want. for that time, don't ever try to. if you're her husband, you could be kicked out of the bedroom. LOL

okay i have no idea since i'm not in a relationship right now. so these are five you need to avoid to do so. these are the don'ts. may it help you guys.

well as you guys need to know that girls are complicated but so do girls think how guys are. guys are complicated too. so in conclusion, couple are meant to complete each other's complicated things to be simple and easy. me myself too sometimes don't get it what has happened to us when it's the period time. it's just like something had possessed us to do something that we don't want. it was like something has made a home in our body and came back once a month which is when we're having our period time (so yucks. my description are too over). so as a man, you guys need to be understanding. if you guys can't get to hold to it anymore, then go fucking find a girl who won't have the problem of once a month with the blood stuffs. so go find women that has menopause for long time ago.

anyway, chill dude. your girrlfriend is just having her period days not yet changing into gorilla or maniac. so good luck in handling your girlfriend! *wink wink*

Busy

Assalamualaikum everyone, it's been a long time i have not updated my blog since i have been so down last time. huhu funneyyyhh.. now i'm back with the new me. so ya, i'm actually in the mood of wanting to write and in the desire of telling you this out that i'm still living fine even without a man who broke me into million pieces back then.. well, it's funny when you think back about it you know? it's weird too.. as it's whom you start your 2015 and whom you ended with. yet, i don't know whom would i end up with in the year of 2015. but guess? i don't even wanna know about it.

     all i care is now for me to score my final for this sem of me being here. of course everyone wants to end it with full of colors.. so do I. i realised that i'm not ready for the so called 'love'. so yeah, let's focus on my studies first. no 'getting married' until i graduate for my degree. nope. no. but then, mom did asked me. if i could get married during the degree intake and get a child after i graduate as she's in 60's so yeah, she get so worried that if she could not make it till i end up my 'solo' life. oh damn, this make me insane. when you stuck in between to not get married at early 20's and to get married at early 20's for my mom and dad. but then, i trust in Allah.. have faith in him and i'm sure enough that Allah has the best way for me.

    so yeah, as i picking up all the pieces alone and put it back together though i knew that my heart won't be the same anymore.. i get so busy with my assignments that await me. so yuppp Alhamdulillah everything went well... so far... 

    and my final is just around the corner.. i got two weeks from now to make all preparations and yeahhhh i'm not going to update my blog in the mean time though.. so i would be free after end of november.. maybe? so yeahh got to stop writing and sharing in here. wish me all the best and pray for my good results okayyy?! love yahhh xoxo . and last but not least, i'm enjoying my single life likeee sooo sooo much!! haven't felt this free for a longgg time hoho. bye take care everyone. eat green, yellow,purple and red!

    so hey dude, to you who read this.. don't you think i don't know you would read my blog, checking on my Wechat, Instagram and Twitter though you have been blocked.. don't you ever think that i don't know you stalked me. DUDE GET YOUR FUCKING HAPPY LIFE THAT YOU WERE PRETENDING TO HAVE AND STOP CARE ABOUT ME. just go fucking plan your wedding with your sweet love and don't ever come back. 

P/S : even my fate was to be with you in the future, i refuse and i don't want to. so don't try to show up yourself anymore, douchebag.

Gastritis

Assalamualaikum everyone! hi, okay glad that i have the chance to write a new entry for this time. so where did i stop? naaaa.. the last entry was about?? the truth... the truth that live in lies? all the lies may be rotted in hell same goes to the guy.. okay enough. as i promised, do not mention about him anymore. and yazzz i've forbid my friends to talk or even mention about him unless i'm the one who start it first so nahh so far, so good. i don't even mention him (or maybe yes..but sometimes. nah, not sometimes.. it's just the first phase of trying to remove him.. but now, not anymore) not even a word were spill out of their mouth about him. Alhamdulillah that all my best friends are here having their back on me. i've asked each of them who friend with him in wc or followed him on twitter to block him. it's not that i'm not matured. it's just, this time.....

i don't wanna have any relation to the guy that loved me in lies. the guy that pour his love to me with with so much lies till couldn't see the truth and the lies... both were seems to be the same.. which is, lie.

lie,

lie,

lie,

lie,

who always stay as a liar in my eyes. 

okay, back to the title.. gastric or in other name, gastritis? what is gastric? what are the factors that cause gastric? do ya feel curious of why i mentioned gastric? okay, gastritis is an inflammation, irritation or erosion of the lining of the stomach. it can occur suddenly (acute) or gradually (chronic) 

so, what are the causes? 

it can be caused by irritation due to excessive alcohol use, chronic vomiting, stress or the use of certain medications that's anti-inflammatory drugs such as aspirin. and :

• Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori): A bacteria that lives in the mucous lining of the stomach; without treatment, the infection can lead toulcers, and in some people, stomach cancer.
• Pernicious anemia: A form of anemia that occurs when the stomach lacks a naturally occurring substance needed to properly absorb and digest vitamin B12
• Bile reflux: A backflow of bile into the stomach from the bile tract (that connects to the liver and gallbladder)
• Infections caused by bacteria and viruses

and if gastritis is left untreated, it might get worse as it can lead to a severe loss of blood and increase the risk of developing stomach cancer. 

so how do you wanna know that you're having gastritis?? the symptoms :

• Nausea or recurrent upset stomach
• Abdominal bloating
• Abdominal pain
• Vomiting
• Indigestion
• Burning or gnawing feeling in the stomach between meals or at night
• Hiccups
• Loss of appetite
• Vomiting blood or coffee ground-like material
• Black, tarry stools

so i've been diagnosed to suffer gastritis. (yeayy) (padan muka aku) well, i had a severe pain lately, it has been over 4 days.. and including today, it has been 5 days i'm suffering from a pain in my stomach. i've been hiding it from my parents. and i can't take the pain anymore so i just told mom today.. and so do dad. so my dad asked me to go to have a check. at first, i refused to as i don't want to add up one more burden to them. and i made a research on the pain i suffered. and yeahh, mostly it's related to the gastritis symptoms. i'm scared that it might get worst to stomach ulcer so yeah, i just do what dad asked me to. 

i went to see a doctor and told her how i felt lately about how i get my tummy sad... so she said based on what i told her, ya, i got gastric for free without having to ask for. but i don't skip my meal... (maybe sometimes) but i don't eat spicies?? (most of the time i ate it) and i eat a lot! (it's actually the truth).. and why did i still get the disease? okay.. maybe i get stress. but why? because of what? because of him? curse on him. don't mention him. i eat a lot.. i just don't want to suffer from having longggg-period-of-time-on-stomachache... so it brings a lot of pain and burden to me. i can't skip my meals.. i should eat more protein and most of all, i shouldn't let my tummy empty as empty as my heart. 

so Ima, from now on.. to make your parent's life easier.. you should make everything seems to be easy. don't fall sick. don't cry. don't give up. don't do anything stupid. be a better person. i know, Allah is with me. Alhamdulillah he's the one who didn't leave me whenever i get sad or being stepped on... he was always there.. and will always be. and always show the truth though it has been hidden in lies... truth always win over the lie. so do the good person. Allah knows better. so to my reader, don't forget to eat on time.. take your diet diligently, eat good and fresh meals.. don't skip your meals.. always bring snacks in your bag so that whenever you feel hungry, you can have them. and do take a good care of yourself or you're gonna suffer like me.. having gastritis isn't fun at all :'( yet, Alhamdulillah i feel glad that it's just a minor gastritis.. thank you Allah. 

The Truth...

Assalamualaikum everyone! hi, first of all i would like to say that maybe it's the very very last entry of him. i meant, i think i should stop posting it on my blog because, why would i care about the person that don't even wanna care for me right? well, school has reopen and i'm busy with my study..no more love (or i just met a new eye candy in school) ..cehh well, my pra-trial are just around the corner.. so, that's one of my reasons for not updating my blog like almost every day.. or starting from today.. i'm gonna limit myself from touching the social media stuffs?? (REALLY?) okay maybe not.. but yup, i must do that. i should have done my revision so that i could cut all the bitches' throat. ya know what i mean? yaaaa like.. gth bitch. i mean that one specific bitch? okay she's not a bitch.. maybe a girlfriend to a hoe? or, maybe a girl to a scumbag that i never met like... he's a real ,,, REAL douchebag. i must say that. it's a fact.

okay, as i started to use my heart less.. hey hey wait, that doesn't mean that imma heartless but yupp i'm just using my heart less than before because i don't wanna get hurt over and over again on the same thing ya know? sometimes i just feel tired.. nahh not sometimes, but lately...ya.. it's more to...MOST OF THE TIME. so i've told myself not to care for a person that don't value my effort nor my life towards him. (i meant, my love that i gave.. i gave it all ). it hurts a lot as.. i gave him too much of my love.. like.. i've been loving him full heartedly... (WATTAFAK?? i never done that, and i did that to a hoe?? ) and bitch.. ya know now i think, i guess... i might know.. (i'm sure enough) that i've moved on. ya... i'm moving on now.. as i keep this saying on my mind whenever i started to flick back the moments we created together since 4 years ago...

"never trust a person that has let you down 2 times. once was a warning, twice was a lesson and anything more than that is simply taking an advantage."

soooo, i should.. nahh it's not that i should, but i just need... eh no..it's not a need. i have just vanished him from my mind. it's because i don't hate him (ya maybe i hate him when he started to make any conversations).. but i don't put a blame on him. i'm just.. ya I'M DONE. when i said i'm done, i'm done. no more try. no more fight. no more actions.. no more.. it's just a NO. NO MORE. NOT ANYMORE.

so the truth?? the truth that linked to my title? yup.. it's the truth that i just found out from someone that he actually have been together with her (couple) since it was on April.. are you fucking serious? man.. are you serious? i just wonder.. why.. i'm wondering why it has to be like this. i meant, like should you.. like how could you... just how many times you want to break me into pieces until i satisfy you? would you stop hurting me if i ever die? gone forever.. like i was into an accident and get into a sudden death tragedy? so  that can only satisfy you ?? then, pray for it to happen because i just want it to stop and end it here. because it sucks... being hurt over a guy that wasn't mine... it sucks.. loving someone who doesn't love me.

and it flicks me on that girl's tweet. she tweeted about counting.. like she was counting the day.. and it happened on 13/7/2015 if i'm not mistaken. if that was the date of them being together as a couple on April.. wow i should give him a clap then.. because on 12/4/2015, he just confessed to me that he loved me.. "i love you" came out from his mouth.. (and i realized from the past years till now.. okay not until now, not until the day i written this. i meant, till he asked me to leave him.. ya that day, i realized that he's enough. he's so enough, it's unbelievable how enough he is)  then the next day? they were together being a great BOOM couple of the year?? wow what a great game and the night of 13/4/2015, he fetched me up from where i work and sent me home too (i still remember that time) .. i salute you Mr Fuck.ri :') .

 now i know, you just make me as your role-play to cover up your relationship with her from others as she was still with her boyfriend. all the moments we created.. all the sunrise, picnic, movies and gambang.. all are fake. all were part of your game plans. if it weren't fake, still, youre the one who make me feel think that way. it's all because you left without explanations. i guess, you and her are the same. you and her were waiting for the perfect time to find the point where you both can end the role-play with us. and you found your point to make me feel... like always go on "where did i go wrong where did i go wrong.. just where..." and i was fool for not noticing that it was just a plan. where you want to end it with me. and just after that, you don't have to cover up your doings. but you know what? i think you have forgotten one thing. that... Allah is fair. how many times, how hard you were trying to hide it from me, He, the Mighty, is watching you. and when the time comes, Allah showed everything though you have hide it very well... you forgot, Allah sees everything. nothing can be hide from him. and that, make you dare to say things you don't mean and do things that hurt others.

and i believe, Allah has a great plan.

back then, i don't know what's worse as it's either watching you walk away or watching you love someone else. but what i learnt from 2 years ago till now.. what you meant of trying to reach me back as you want to fix everything... (like it was real, sucha good acting) .. what i learnt from that.. you don't do that.. you never.. you will never get to fix everything back to normal like we used to because you're not doing that with your heart. plus, you're not a real man. not a man... you're just.. a reckless coward butch that don't know how to commit your doings by trying to put yourself into a situation that people would see that you're innocent. (fy). and my biggest problem is that, i give people chance...

after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance.... (to a million times)...
still a chance....

and yuppp.. i broke myself up. (A BIG CLAP!! ).

and i don't get it why.. why some people.. (well, not some.. but it was him). okay .. why would 'sorry' have made any difference? does it ever? it's just a word. one word againts a thousand actions. and do you expect me to act like nothing happened just after you said sorry? in my ass. i've a heart too. do you think imma toy? i mean.. the wall? the wall that don't fear and feel nothing when ones come and scratch it? wow... is it?? so... the night i got to know the truth, i wasn't surprised anymore... i knew you well, but i don't assume myself to know that... this is you? the real you? the one who likes to give people a fake hope... making them wanting you and leave em as you found the one you want? let me get straight, wanting someone and needing someone are two different things.

well, i needed him but i guess, he don't need me. (okay, listen ima, you don't have to guess as it was CLEAR ENOUGH that he don't even and never need you in his LAIF ). so i keep telling this to myself :

"let it go. let go of the past, let go of the memories. get it in your head that he doesn't like you and he will never like you. it's time for you to forgive and forget and become a better person. all those time you think he liked you, he loved you, he didn't. all those times you thought he was smiling at you, you were wrong. all those times you thought he was staring at you, he wasn't. all those times you thought he shared a mutual feeling, it's an illusion. why can't you get it. heart, why do you still beat for him when he doesn't beat for you? why can't you see the pain that you're bringing to me? why can't you let me be happy again. why can't you bring me back to before we met? why can't you... when all this pain is just causing you to shatter..."

i still remember the night he posted his own saying that says "if you leave, please stay gone forever" (sort of) ... and yup.. i'm doing that. but i wonder, why is he keep himself exist in my life? like.. whenever i don't want him to come back or just to pass by, suddeny his name turned up.. like last Thursday, i went to EC Mall just after my school session ended to see my friends. so when i drove back, suddenly my phone was ringing like.. i thought it was my mom because she used to call me to ask me go back home before blabla, tralala, and the moment i reached out my phone, and i pressed the green picture (haven't swipe it to the right) i have a heart (cehh a heart) ..yup a heart to take a look at my phone as most of the time i didn't do that while driving. soooo.... it was him. and BANG!! i threw my phone away.. not that far, only threw it on the passenger seat next to me. ahaksss

he called me 2 times. but i refused to take any actions. it's over, remember? he cut the string between us. he has a girlfriend. so ya, the moment he has a girlfriend. it's over between us. i mean, it's a real over.. not half-over or quarter-over. it's fully over. it's OVER. and i got to know he was actually wanted to invite me for his open house that was held yesterday... (saturday) he invited my friends and asked them to invite me on behalf of him. but i said "no. i don't wanna go. you guys want me to stick out my eyes with a cactus by seeing him show his sweetness to his new girl?  in my ass."

plus, i knew that he don't mean to invite me. i think he just invited me for not wanting me to feel a trash seeing others went to his open house and me? rotted in here without going there as he didn't invites me. so he decided to just invite me like a malay saying "ajak-ajak ayam je" (fuck off. ewww gth i don't even care if you don't invite me though. I DON'T CARE. never ). because if he really want to invite me, why don't he text me? why is it have to be someone else? why don't he ask me on whatsapp? hello, he has my number okay. such a lame excuse that he gave to chawda. next time, only say what you meant okay?  kahkah noob. a noob always busted with his stupid do's. no wonder then ~

so, yesterday i met jalok, our friend. we had our Mcd's together and we chatted all the way long. i asked him did he go to his open house? then he said, he did. he saw his new girlfriend. and he said, that hoe told him "don't stare too long at her lah lok, i'm ashamed " (LOL, did he feel a shame on himself for letting others down with his actions? okay, stay positive maybe because his girlfriend is too pretty on the ass" and jalok said.. HAHAHA "i wasn't stare at her though, i just wanna see how her looks like and nahh.., he was over" kahkahkah we laughed out loud like oh my god? kahkahkah. thanked god i wasn't there because a drama would happen then? kahkah like i wanna go there? kahhh

                                               I NO LONGER ENTERTAIN EGOS.

so, i've thrown everything... every single thing.. the flower he gave, the cute pendrive, the photos.. the stones.. the everything that reminds me of him. all of em has gone. i deleted my twitter account, i wanted to delete my wechat account but i just can't as i haven't finished writing the book. but i wasn't active on it anymore.. i blocked him on instagram.. and i'm changing my number too in so soon. but i love my number because it's just nice. but, i'm just gonna do that. by the time ... the perfect timing is gonna happen where, i'm gone. and stay gone. long time ago, (not so long) he did asked us to be just friends and still contact each other even we have been together with someone else. and he asked me to promise that we're gonna stick together as a friend though if something happened.. and i said, i can't make a promise on that. because that may be hurt. that might hurt me that i can't even face him anymore.

and i have that instinct, he would do the same thing so i just need to distant myself but, i refused to. my mind told me anyway but my heart refused to. because... my instinct about him.. never wrong yet.. i meant, what i feel.. what i think.. it's gonna happen and it does. it happened. i'm scared but i took the challenge and yup, i hurt myself again for being a BIG ROCK ON THE HEAD. padan muka degil. so i have the instinct that if we ended here, it'll be the real end of us. but then, just after he asked me to leave him.. the night he sent me "leave me, bye" ... my instinct on him has changed, it was a strong, concrete instinct that said, this isn't the real ending. this is just part of the 'time' test... and seriously, i swear to God, i never hope for it to happen again. you know, i wasn't hope anything dah. i'm done. and i really hope it's the real ending of us.

i'm scared to face my instinct because.. i'm scared that it's gonna happen too like i feel a year ago, this year.. 4 years ago.. i'm scared. because it happened. i've been rude, harsh.. it's all because i don't wanna hurt myself anymore. i'm staying away from him. deleting everything of him.. it's all because i don't wanna feel the hurt anymore.. the pain.. the pain that i've to suck and swallow it like i'm eating my favorite fruit, banana. and they used to say, to tease me like "what if ima, what if one day he's the one that's gonna be your husband? omg.." first word that came out from my mouth just after hearing that is "fucked it up. i don't want. please, stop saying that thing. you know how i felt right? please.. dont" but ... haih.. most of them were saying the same thing and i'm sick of it. i'm scared if it's going to be real... like that would be a DISASTER ...A BIG NIGHTMARE.

and i said

"KENAPA KAHWIN DENGAN AKU NYA, BIAR AH DIA KAHWIN DENGAN PEREMPUAN TU. AKU TAK NAKKKK!!"

the night i went to johor to see my grandparents, all the long way journey, it reminded me back of us. i went through our conversations.. from before he kept in silence and till he stayed away from me.. and he came back with a sorry.. and i cried.. i cried..i realized.. i realized one thing..that i cried not for him. not because of him. but it's for myself. it's because of me. for the first time in forever (playing the frozen song) i cried for myself because i felt pathetic. i felt my life was so pathetic that i gave him too much. all the love, the care, the attention till i lose myself. till i have nothing left. till i'm broken into beyond million pieces. it's all i gave it all to him. and at that night, i told myself to stop. i said i have and need to stop now. i mean, REALLY STOP. for once, i felt sympathy on myself. and now i knew, why all my bestfriends asked me to stop and stop and stop and moving on. at first, i don't get it why... why... because i said, i still can fight for him. but i realized, it wont be made up as love need two sides to make it work. and my love.. my love is only one sided love.

so yup, i'm moving on. as a saying goes ; "don't chase people. work hard and be yourself. under these two principles, the right people will find their way into your life. "

you're growing up with love... when you grew up, you will know that look doesn't give you much happiness. as you're growing up, people with kind hearted matter the most (with his study qualifications too) . the looks are just a bonus. all you need is someone that can accept your flaws on the inside and outside and still want you at your worse or even at your best. if you ever have to chase that person, you need to know that you would never have a spot in their heart because love need two sides to make it work. the best will stay, remember? so stop chasing the wrong one. let the right one come and make his own way to stay forever.

i've lost people and found them again. the second time around, things just made more sense. honestly, timing has a lot to do with everything. sometimes you aren't ready for each other yet. but the third time around, things just made more and even more sense. more truth being revealed... and sometimes, the person you need the most, aren't worth to fight for anymore.

so, goodbye my dear past...

sacrifices over wishlist..

Assalamualaikum everyone! hi! hahaha so yesterday and over the past days, i was still talking about him... kahhh! and maybe now too?? okay maybe i'll talk about it less... and just talk about it in my book. i think it's better.. haih i haven't started my new draft for my book yet.. gahhh i still need to find the mood. maybe i should just go travel or far from here and finish it ? okay maybe i'll have enough time when it comes to longgg school holidays. okay i don't have any good thangg that can make you can't find your self-esteem anymore..

well, yesterday i went to my cousins' house.. from one to another one and i ate a lot. A LOT though i have a fever and flu that knocked out my mood just so when i woke up. but whatever it is, i really do need to enjoy all the food that have been served.. so yeah, i did. and for today, i guess the fever is quite rising to its level.. i started to feel endless migraine though i have slept for several times.. i feel like to collapse. i can't stand it anymuuuoooreee :'( mama!

but yeah, hey ima, don't you think you're a lame if you just laying on the bed doing nothing while others go eat those delicious scrumptious stuffs?! heyy heyy heyyy not without me okay guyss, so, however... i just need to stop being clingy... so i have to stand on my own feet.

eh, i was wondering when can i get married? so that i can slave my husband whenever i get sick. and of course he's gonna treat me like a queen. kahhh! but i don't think about marriage life yet.. (nahh i was thinking about it too when he was with me) ..wow enough. so nahh i'm just gonna go travel with my cats. ahaksss okayyy, so what's with the post title? sacrifices over wishlist? okay, let me start with the good one.. the MANIS wishlists i made just after he came back to me... half of it have been accomplished and half are not.. and maybe (maybe??) ya maybe because we don't know what will happen in the future (shit don't tell me you're still hoping for it to happen) no no, i'm not. okay maybe.. or it will never happened.

as it was about two weeks ago, he had invited me to go raya to his house. (maybe he wasnt meant to invite me) but yeah, i  was like... oh wow... that's one of my wish that had been stated in the list. but somehow, i still have my pride. so i decided to not go to his house unless he invites me again during eid.. and i was like, yeah if he does invited me, i wanted to have a polaroid selfies, and polaroid picture (sort of a portrait) with his mommy! with him and me beside her.. wakakakakakakaka such a lame wish dont ya think so? but that's what i wanted to have kahh. well, actually i really want to see his lil sister...

back then, 4 years ago when he and me a couple, and during we talked on the phone, he once or twice or even the thrice times, he gave me to hear his lil sister talk, and i still remember the one cute voice singing "tanya sama pokok" hahahaha cute! i don't have any chances yet to meet her in real life, i just heard her voice, and just so, now she's growing up... i really wanna have a talk with her just so i was in love with kids! andd so, ahhhh that was just a dream. i bet, if i was there, i'm not gonna ever talk to him because i just wanna talk with his lil sister! yeayyy!

but nahhh it was ruined just after we fought last week. ahaksss we have a big fight until he removed me from his friend list and i don't even care.. (or i still care, but less) (or...more) but whatever it is, i don't mind. that was just a wish of the selfish soul in my body.. i wished to have a photo with him, i ever do wish to go raya with him, to go iftar with him, but iftar has pass, and i think i did well, i've done well for now, i have put a barrier, a wall, the concrete, strong enough wall between me and him. i was wondering, do i have the chance to go iftar with you? to go raya with you? (shit, tears were gloom into my two pools of eyes)

but i keep reminding myself that i shouldn't have being a reckless selfish bitch.he left, i don't put a blame on him. it wasnt his fault anyway, maybe i have too much flaws that he can't handle me. because he once said " you're like a rose, the more i keep holding you, the more it hurts me" yes, that's what i am. i used to be a rose where only a man with dignity will value me instead of the thorns that hurts him. i thought you'd be the man, but you're still a boy.

however, i've decided not to continue my wishlist as i knew, that he was happy now with her. damn it wehh you know, i never felt this soooo insecure feelings. insecurities in her drowned me into my sort of ngehhh whatever. but she got that cute, innocent face than mine! i meant, i have that fierce gorilla face (omg i talked bad about myself). so yaaa no wonder he chose her. but that's okay this is what i want... to make a love sacrifice kahkahkah (okay i'm serious in my laughing tone).

so it happened when i was whatsapping chawda, my best friend, my best listener, i told her that, i shouldnt being selfish. Allah had gave me the chance the opportunity for me to create good things and moments with him, so after all, he had took him back.. maybe because yaa Allah has a great plan for us, so ya i decided to just let go of my selfishness. i told her that if that girl can be a good motivator to him, can make him happy than hurting him as much as i hurt him (just so because i'm the 'rose' dahhh so i've hurt him) . i'll feel much relief though i wanted to be the one and be the sure one who'll make him focus on his study (kahkahkah in my ass)

then chawda said "really? a good motivator... just based on her look? i don't think so hahaha i mean if she can motivate him then, that's okay, good then but if it just her look and nothing less, it's better you" (wattahell? did you just make me feel sad?! i just happened to feel much relief without having to care or worry about him T.T)

then i said " no lah, InshaaAllah she can. or do you want me to ask him whether he's motivated by her or not? alaaaa but i'm sure enough that he had chose the best..if not, why he walked away from me? :p , be positive okay?" (wtf i just put in positive vibes in my thought and i feel like gahh i'm good)

chawda : "if you asked him, like he'll answer yours? if he did, he will just put a lie, so you better don't ask him" (haih chawda, you just make me wonder if i'm doing good in here.. if i done well in here?.. so far... i don't know)

then i said, "okay can i just go and approach her? can i make a wish to her?"

"i mean, i wanted to say to her that he's quite confusing and can get overly attach to something and easily give up on something that he finds it's hard to him so, i wanted to say that i hope she won't ever and never giving up on him to give him her support"

"i wanted to say to her that he sometimes is hard to predict (maybe all the time) and he sometimes can be good, cool, okay, or sometimes he's not and decided to keep in silent but whatever happened, i want her to stay and still give her back on him and be patient... he has that ego, his ego are way beyond the hills.. but i don't know how was his ego to her (maybe he lowered down his ego to his beloved one) but whatever it is, i want her to be patient to have that patience and stay positive.. and never give up.. always have a good mind on him"

"i wanted to say that she has to know, he loved her and was serious about that the moment he showed public affection with her. i want her to put trust in him and always treat him well, love him in the first place like the first time they were together. "

"hahaha im crying T.T whyyy.. damn"

"oh stop it.. and i wanted to say to her that she shouldnt forget about her study and his too. i want her to be a good motivator to him for him to run to his goal, i hope she won't allow him to drown into love like he drowned when he was in matrix, i wanted both of them to always remind each other about their studies and never give up on their goals. i know she's better than me, so i'm gonna feel relief if she could be good to him"

and so, chawda said....

"oh ima you know everything about him..."

"it hurts..."

"i think you shouldnt do that.."

"let her handle him by herself"

" i know, you care for him, you did care about his study. but, he chose to be with that girl. if he chose you, he will be at peace and his life would be like.. his future is always be in the thought of the person that loved him "

and from janny's point of view ....

"i don't get it why you have that heart.. that heart that.. after what he had done to you.."

"even people calling you a fool for still care for him, but it's not, that's why we call love sacrifice. the thing that i never get it for now..."


and that's what love drives me in... i don't ask for it. i don't ask myself to care.. but when you're in love.. i mean, in real.. falling in love of.. you're gonna feel that everything will move the other way that you don't want it to.

so yup, i've decided to let him be happy with her.. as long as he's happy, it'll make me happy too :') and sorry guys, whenever i tend to feel like nobody's gonna hear me or feel me, besides i tell Allah about it, i write in my blog. as it seems, everything have been thrown out from the inside. and thank god that he don't know my new blog link. hihi damn hoping that he don't know or else i'll be dead.. or i'm gonna feel like to commit suicide! (MALUUUUU KOTTT) okay, so tonight i'm gonna go to an open house...(maybe). so i'm gonna tell you how was it! enough with this sad entry haha. bye Assalamualaikum!

so i hope in few years to go, someone will come to my house with his parents and... give me the ring!! kahkahkahkahkah

(may Allah put him to his care.... always)

to be happy or to be mad of?

assalamualaikum.. hi everyone.. well today is the first day of eid mubarak, i'm here wishing you happy eid mubarak!! yeayyy!! but not so yeay, nahh not a yeay for today as i got up this morning and started to sneeze around and yuppp now. i meant now, i started to feel like i'm gonna BANG! collapse or even past out. i wanna make a confession i meant, a real deep confession...ya,

well, actually about i'm bragging myself on how i could handle all the chores and so, i made it yupp i made it but that's just not my thing. not because i was that lazy dumbass but my body, i meant, i have that problem for not keeping it to its limit. ya know, when you have reached on that particular level, you know that you're just gonna put yourself into trouble so... i did. (padan muka aku)

i sounds cheesy, cheeky.. but that's just how my body reacts on things.. see? i've exposed you one of my flaws, well i dont think i have the good sides on me. (hahaha now i'm crying). it's not that i dont have that confidence but as i ... (haha now i feel so dumb..) i still put in the positive vibes in my mind, keeping that i was doing better.. nah but i can't .i can't lie to myself but im good. i must say that i'm good at acting on it. i.. i can keep lying to my friends, my best friends.. or even him. (f***, i mentioned him too).

SO IN CONCLUSION, I'M HAVING ATELOPHOBIA

don't wait for me to feel empty or nothing about you so then later you would want to appreciate me but, guess what? it'll be too late for you to show your actions. even a thousand of sorry you say, your sorry means nothing anymore. but what's more sucks is that... you're not coming back anyway because i knew, even you're gonna come back again, you're just gonna leave me anyway. that's just how i stand in your eyes. a place where you're not gonna stick till the end.

it's all because i have too many flaws. now, i'm having thanthophobia. where you're scared of losing someone you loved. and i lose. okay i keep saying that it was his lost for losing me, but nahh deep down, i know it was my lost too. i lose him but did he care? i don't think so. thinking what he did for me, those flowers, watching sunrise together, went for a picnic, movies, breakfast,lunch, supper.. drive thru.. (cehhhh) and other stuffs,, it flicks my mind.. making me wonder.. did he do that for real? i mean deep down from his heart? from the buttom of the very buttom one?

i wonder if.. that was just a test. i meant, like i'm one of his role-play for him to get ready to be with her? am i that easy to him? (i can't stop my tears now, good) damn.. "where did i go wrong?" the moment i started to think back about what we once was before.. the question always pop out. "where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong?" and my answer would be ..."he don't love me, that's how it looks that easy for him to ask me walk away.. " how i wish i can just go. but i kept wanting to know about him. it's not that i was being nosy but.. i care.. i care a lot.

i just hope that he would do better at his best for his next sem, though he's not here with me anymore, i just hope that girl would be a good motivator to him as i'm sucks at it (i know that, that's why he went for her. LOL). i hope that he could do better.. i just hope that he would be a better man. because i don't think he's a man yet. i know..and i knew that he's still a boy. (i just can't find anything about me that could make someone stay). i have too many flaws. i can't even show the good side of me. i can't pretend like im good. that's just how i identify the real and the fake ones. i showed my flaws and it's their choice to choose whether to stay or leave.

i just hope that one day you'd be a real man instead of a young, reckless boy who messed and confused with everything. because real man is a man where he's so sure of what he want and will get it to its way no matter what the obstacle would be. (nahh you won't get it until you be the real man. until you grew up. you need to grow up first)

seriously, i'm just tired. tired is the word i used to show how sad i was. i'm tired of lying to myself that everything's gonna be okay.. it's gonna be fine and ya know what? nothing has changed. seriously? nahh enough with that thangg soooo...

now, i'm stuck between "i really wanna talk to you" (because i've sooo sooo much to tell you about! if we were like we used to be, you're gonna be the first i tell you about) or.. "i really need to get over you" (because you've her. the one that you can accept all the flaws she got there though i don't find any.. yeah she's perfect and far beyond me)

he wished eid mubarak to me yesterday on whatsapp but i just left him with the blue tick. (here you go ima, i.. i feel like to cry). it was short. so i was thinking whether i should be happy or get mad because THERE'S NO SORRY FROM HIM! HE DIDN'T ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS. fuck you. you dumbass you've hurt me a lot bullshit why can't you say sorry. just that short wish and it sounded like a cheap roasted pig. "mat ri ye" wtf is that? that's sooo odd. yucksss BASTENG!

okay can't be denied, just receiving his wish, made me smile. but it's a mixture of feelings. i don't feel these such of feelings with others. oh just stop it ima.... okay... but... i can't lie.. i can't lie that I REALLY WANT TO REPLY HIM! (nahh i don't feel that way like.. not reaching the stage yet) (i lied) (whatever sucks). but i decided to leave a blue tick because.. i know he's happy now. so why should i reply.. i'm gonna make him think about me (kahkah bodoh perasan gila aku). okay whatever ahhhh but the thing is...

i scrolled my ig this morning and saw his short video on it and... i saw she commented on his video like.... DAMN! AHHHHHH!!!! WTF...WTH...ya knowww aku rasa macam nak meroyan then suddenly i got to my sense back and yaaaa he has that power ya know? the man power.. i'm not his wife, not even his fiance, or even his girlfriend or even and even the very important over very needed person to him so WHY THE FUCK I SHOULD BE JEALOUS?! BUT THE THING IS, I GET HURT! IT FREAKING HURTS ME BULLSHIT! and it even annoyed me when i clicked on that girl's ig (i wasnt on my purpose) or.. it was.. but yaaaa she tagged him on her photo?! like.. wtf? okay no.. no nooo NO!

i shouldnt get mad... i shouldnt get jealous.. i'm nobody. i'm beyond down his feet. (that's where i belong to.. i meant, he puts me there) haih.. i wonder if he ever knows that he's all i think about at night (cehhh poyo) . how was he? is he doing well? is he fine? is he okay? is he happy? is.. is... did he think about me? (in my ass lah he was thinking about you. why you? of course he's thinking and imagining on how he's gonna get married with her. and of course he's doing well, even good without you. you're just a trash ima. you're nobody. you don't affect his life though and he's way happier without your existence). ouch that's hurt.

okay actually i get mad with that girl but.. thinking back.. it makes sense he went to her.. why he chose her. she's better than me. but i wonder did he meant what he said to me? "it's impossible to find someone like you. i dont think if i can find someone better than you. but i'm hurt ima, a lot" nahh i think he said that it was because he don't want me to feel hurt so much. he don't want to put me into that situation where i'd feel like he's stabbing me for thousand times on my back.

but i kept telling myself that i knew, he don't mean to hurt me.. but he did anyway. he just did that. and sometimes i wish i could read his mind. but then, i wonder if i could handle the truth. ahhhh those questions.. i'm sick of thinking it.. figuring it out by myself what are his points of doing this thing.. all the things he had done to me, with me.. those memories we created together.. is it from his heart? did he meant it? did he meant it what he has said to me on 12th of april 2015 at 9.40 pm? did he just said that he loves me from his heart? ir it's just from his mouth?

but whatever it is, in my eyes.. now.. he's so very the luckiest guy .. and vewyy the happiest guy on earth with that girl. she's cute, pretty, and bertudung, and more kind of course.. and not a lame as fuck as me. so she's better than me so she made him feel appreciated because i knew, i cant do that. i can't even get to compliment him (i used to compliment him to my friends kahh but of course i'm not gonna say it on his face.) (pemalu aku ni kahhh) . but whatever it is, deep in my heart i really wanna have a real deep conversation with him but i just cant be that selfish who sell the fish. (lame joke ha ha ha). i have to. i have to do this. not because i leave him, (never) but i need to keep a distance from him. giving him the space he needs.

what i wanted to say, if he ever comes back, i hope that time and that moment.. he has grew up. i meant, i want him to come back as a man. not a boy who's always feel confused. i want him to come back with his goals on never giving up on me no matter what will happen and making me as him forever ( yucks gth. did i just say that? OMG) but that was just a hope lol because i knew, he wouldn't come back. whatever lah, if it's meant to be, it'll be. but i just hope he'd grow up and be the real man. i'm here on his back (always) though he don't know that i was there from the start. but that's okay. that's how love drives me :')

and... i can't explain how painful it is to wait for something that never comes... never...

so i decided to put trust in Allah and redha... and i don't know what's worse...

watching you walk away,
or watching you love someone else.