okay, as i started to use my heart less.. hey hey wait, that doesn't mean that imma heartless but yupp i'm just using my heart less than before because i don't wanna get hurt over and over again on the same thing ya know? sometimes i just feel tired.. nahh not sometimes, but lately...ya.. it's more to...MOST OF THE TIME. so i've told myself not to care for a person that don't value my effort nor my life towards him. (i meant, my love that i gave.. i gave it all ). it hurts a lot as.. i gave him too much of my love.. like.. i've been loving him full heartedly... (WATTAFAK?? i never done that, and i did that to a hoe?? ) and bitch.. ya know now i think, i guess... i might know.. (i'm sure enough) that i've moved on. ya... i'm moving on now.. as i keep this saying on my mind whenever i started to flick back the moments we created together since 4 years ago...
"never trust a person that has let you down 2 times. once was a warning, twice was a lesson and anything more than that is simply taking an advantage."
soooo, i should.. nahh it's not that i should, but i just need... eh no..it's not a need. i have just vanished him from my mind. it's because i don't hate him (ya maybe i hate him when he started to make any conversations).. but i don't put a blame on him. i'm just.. ya I'M DONE. when i said i'm done, i'm done. no more try. no more fight. no more actions.. no more.. it's just a NO. NO MORE. NOT ANYMORE.
so the truth?? the truth that linked to my title? yup.. it's the truth that i just found out from someone that he actually have been together with her (couple) since it was on April.. are you fucking serious? man.. are you serious? i just wonder.. why.. i'm wondering why it has to be like this. i meant, like should you.. like how could you... just how many times you want to break me into pieces until i satisfy you? would you stop hurting me if i ever die? gone forever.. like i was into an accident and get into a sudden death tragedy? so that can only satisfy you ?? then, pray for it to happen because i just want it to stop and end it here. because it sucks... being hurt over a guy that wasn't mine... it sucks.. loving someone who doesn't love me.
and it flicks me on that girl's tweet. she tweeted about counting.. like she was counting the day.. and it happened on 13/7/2015 if i'm not mistaken. if that was the date of them being together as a couple on April.. wow i should give him a clap then.. because on 12/4/2015, he just confessed to me that he loved me.. "i love you" came out from his mouth.. (and i realized from the past years till now.. okay not until now, not until the day i written this. i meant, till he asked me to leave him.. ya that day, i realized that he's enough. he's so enough, it's unbelievable how enough he is) then the next day? they were together being a great BOOM couple of the year?? wow what a great game and the night of 13/4/2015, he fetched me up from where i work and sent me home too (i still remember that time) .. i salute you Mr Fuck.ri :') .
now i know, you just make me as your role-play to cover up your relationship with her from others as she was still with her boyfriend. all the moments we created.. all the sunrise, picnic, movies and gambang.. all are fake. all were part of your game plans. if it weren't fake, still, youre the one who make me feel think that way. it's all because you left without explanations. i guess, you and her are the same. you and her were waiting for the perfect time to find the point where you both can end the role-play with us. and you found your point to make me feel... like always go on "where did i go wrong where did i go wrong.. just where..." and i was fool for not noticing that it was just a plan. where you want to end it with me. and just after that, you don't have to cover up your doings. but you know what? i think you have forgotten one thing. that... Allah is fair. how many times, how hard you were trying to hide it from me, He, the Mighty, is watching you. and when the time comes, Allah showed everything though you have hide it very well... you forgot, Allah sees everything. nothing can be hide from him. and that, make you dare to say things you don't mean and do things that hurt others.
and i believe, Allah has a great plan.
back then, i don't know what's worse as it's either watching you walk away or watching you love someone else. but what i learnt from 2 years ago till now.. what you meant of trying to reach me back as you want to fix everything... (like it was real, sucha good acting) .. what i learnt from that.. you don't do that.. you never.. you will never get to fix everything back to normal like we used to because you're not doing that with your heart. plus, you're not a real man. not a man... you're just.. a reckless coward butch that don't know how to commit your doings by trying to put yourself into a situation that people would see that you're innocent. (fy). and my biggest problem is that, i give people chance...
after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance....
after chance.... (to a million times)...
still a chance....
and yuppp.. i broke myself up. (A BIG CLAP!! ).
and i don't get it why.. why some people.. (well, not some.. but it was him). okay .. why would 'sorry' have made any difference? does it ever? it's just a word. one word againts a thousand actions. and do you expect me to act like nothing happened just after you said sorry? in my ass. i've a heart too. do you think imma toy? i mean.. the wall? the wall that don't fear and feel nothing when ones come and scratch it? wow... is it?? so... the night i got to know the truth, i wasn't surprised anymore... i knew you well, but i don't assume myself to know that... this is you? the real you? the one who likes to give people a fake hope... making them wanting you and leave em as you found the one you want? let me get straight, wanting someone and needing someone are two different things.
well, i needed him but i guess, he don't need me. (okay, listen ima, you don't have to guess as it was CLEAR ENOUGH that he don't even and never need you in his LAIF ). so i keep telling this to myself :
"let it go. let go of the past, let go of the memories. get it in your head that he doesn't like you and he will never like you. it's time for you to forgive and forget and become a better person. all those time you think he liked you, he loved you, he didn't. all those times you thought he was smiling at you, you were wrong. all those times you thought he was staring at you, he wasn't. all those times you thought he shared a mutual feeling, it's an illusion. why can't you get it. heart, why do you still beat for him when he doesn't beat for you? why can't you see the pain that you're bringing to me? why can't you let me be happy again. why can't you bring me back to before we met? why can't you... when all this pain is just causing you to shatter..."
i still remember the night he posted his own saying that says "if you leave, please stay gone forever" (sort of) ... and yup.. i'm doing that. but i wonder, why is he keep himself exist in my life? like.. whenever i don't want him to come back or just to pass by, suddeny his name turned up.. like last Thursday, i went to EC Mall just after my school session ended to see my friends. so when i drove back, suddenly my phone was ringing like.. i thought it was my mom because she used to call me to ask me go back home before blabla, tralala, and the moment i reached out my phone, and i pressed the green picture (haven't swipe it to the right) i have a heart (cehh a heart) ..yup a heart to take a look at my phone as most of the time i didn't do that while driving. soooo.... it was him. and BANG!! i threw my phone away.. not that far, only threw it on the passenger seat next to me. ahaksss
he called me 2 times. but i refused to take any actions. it's over, remember? he cut the string between us. he has a girlfriend. so ya, the moment he has a girlfriend. it's over between us. i mean, it's a real over.. not half-over or quarter-over. it's fully over. it's OVER. and i got to know he was actually wanted to invite me for his open house that was held yesterday... (saturday) he invited my friends and asked them to invite me on behalf of him. but i said "no. i don't wanna go. you guys want me to stick out my eyes with a cactus by seeing him show his sweetness to his new girl? in my ass."
plus, i knew that he don't mean to invite me. i think he just invited me for not wanting me to feel a trash seeing others went to his open house and me? rotted in here without going there as he didn't invites me. so he decided to just invite me like a malay saying "ajak-ajak ayam je" (fuck off. ewww gth i don't even care if you don't invite me though. I DON'T CARE. never ). because if he really want to invite me, why don't he text me? why is it have to be someone else? why don't he ask me on whatsapp? hello, he has my number okay. such a lame excuse that he gave to chawda. next time, only say what you meant okay? kahkah noob. a noob always busted with his stupid do's. no wonder then ~
so, yesterday i met jalok, our friend. we had our Mcd's together and we chatted all the way long. i asked him did he go to his open house? then he said, he did. he saw his new girlfriend. and he said, that hoe told him "don't stare too long at her lah lok, i'm ashamed " (LOL, did he feel a shame on himself for letting others down with his actions? okay, stay positive maybe because his girlfriend is too pretty on the ass" and jalok said.. HAHAHA "i wasn't stare at her though, i just wanna see how her looks like and nahh.., he was over" kahkahkah we laughed out loud like oh my god? kahkahkah. thanked god i wasn't there because a drama would happen then? kahkah like i wanna go there? kahhh
I NO LONGER ENTERTAIN EGOS.
so, i've thrown everything... every single thing.. the flower he gave, the cute pendrive, the photos.. the stones.. the everything that reminds me of him. all of em has gone. i deleted my twitter account, i wanted to delete my wechat account but i just can't as i haven't finished writing the book. but i wasn't active on it anymore.. i blocked him on instagram.. and i'm changing my number too in so soon. but i love my number because it's just nice. but, i'm just gonna do that. by the time ... the perfect timing is gonna happen where, i'm gone. and stay gone. long time ago, (not so long) he did asked us to be just friends and still contact each other even we have been together with someone else. and he asked me to promise that we're gonna stick together as a friend though if something happened.. and i said, i can't make a promise on that. because that may be hurt. that might hurt me that i can't even face him anymore.
and i have that instinct, he would do the same thing so i just need to distant myself but, i refused to. my mind told me anyway but my heart refused to. because... my instinct about him.. never wrong yet.. i meant, what i feel.. what i think.. it's gonna happen and it does. it happened. i'm scared but i took the challenge and yup, i hurt myself again for being a BIG ROCK ON THE HEAD. padan muka degil. so i have the instinct that if we ended here, it'll be the real end of us. but then, just after he asked me to leave him.. the night he sent me "leave me, bye" ... my instinct on him has changed, it was a strong, concrete instinct that said, this isn't the real ending. this is just part of the 'time' test... and seriously, i swear to God, i never hope for it to happen again. you know, i wasn't hope anything dah. i'm done. and i really hope it's the real ending of us.
i'm scared to face my instinct because.. i'm scared that it's gonna happen too like i feel a year ago, this year.. 4 years ago.. i'm scared. because it happened. i've been rude, harsh.. it's all because i don't wanna hurt myself anymore. i'm staying away from him. deleting everything of him.. it's all because i don't wanna feel the hurt anymore.. the pain.. the pain that i've to suck and swallow it like i'm eating my favorite fruit, banana. and they used to say, to tease me like "what if ima, what if one day he's the one that's gonna be your husband? omg.." first word that came out from my mouth just after hearing that is "fucked it up. i don't want. please, stop saying that thing. you know how i felt right? please.. dont" but ... haih.. most of them were saying the same thing and i'm sick of it. i'm scared if it's going to be real... like that would be a DISASTER ...A BIG NIGHTMARE.
and i said
"KENAPA KAHWIN DENGAN AKU NYA, BIAR AH DIA KAHWIN DENGAN PEREMPUAN TU. AKU TAK NAKKKK!!"
the night i went to johor to see my grandparents, all the long way journey, it reminded me back of us. i went through our conversations.. from before he kept in silence and till he stayed away from me.. and he came back with a sorry.. and i cried.. i cried..i realized.. i realized one thing..that i cried not for him. not because of him. but it's for myself. it's because of me. for the first time in forever (playing the frozen song) i cried for myself because i felt pathetic. i felt my life was so pathetic that i gave him too much. all the love, the care, the attention till i lose myself. till i have nothing left. till i'm broken into beyond million pieces. it's all i gave it all to him. and at that night, i told myself to stop. i said i have and need to stop now. i mean, REALLY STOP. for once, i felt sympathy on myself. and now i knew, why all my bestfriends asked me to stop and stop and stop and moving on. at first, i don't get it why... why... because i said, i still can fight for him. but i realized, it wont be made up as love need two sides to make it work. and my love.. my love is only one sided love.
so yup, i'm moving on. as a saying goes ; "don't chase people. work hard and be yourself. under these two principles, the right people will find their way into your life. "
you're growing up with love... when you grew up, you will know that look doesn't give you much happiness. as you're growing up, people with kind hearted matter the most (with his study qualifications too) . the looks are just a bonus. all you need is someone that can accept your flaws on the inside and outside and still want you at your worse or even at your best. if you ever have to chase that person, you need to know that you would never have a spot in their heart because love need two sides to make it work. the best will stay, remember? so stop chasing the wrong one. let the right one come and make his own way to stay forever.
i've lost people and found them again. the second time around, things just made more sense. honestly, timing has a lot to do with everything. sometimes you aren't ready for each other yet. but the third time around, things just made more and even more sense. more truth being revealed... and sometimes, the person you need the most, aren't worth to fight for anymore.
so, goodbye my dear past...
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