well, yesterday i went to my cousins' house.. from one to another one and i ate a lot. A LOT though i have a fever and flu that knocked out my mood just so when i woke up. but whatever it is, i really do need to enjoy all the food that have been served.. so yeah, i did. and for today, i guess the fever is quite rising to its level.. i started to feel endless migraine though i have slept for several times.. i feel like to collapse. i can't stand it anymuuuoooreee :'( mama!
but yeah, hey ima, don't you think you're a lame if you just laying on the bed doing nothing while others go eat those delicious scrumptious stuffs?! heyy heyy heyyy not without me okay guyss, so, however... i just need to stop being clingy... so i have to stand on my own feet.
eh, i was wondering when can i get married? so that i can slave my husband whenever i get sick. and of course he's gonna treat me like a queen. kahhh! but i don't think about marriage life yet.. (nahh i was thinking about it too when he was with me) ..wow enough. so nahh i'm just gonna go travel with my cats. ahaksss okayyy, so what's with the post title? sacrifices over wishlist? okay, let me start with the good one.. the MANIS wishlists i made just after he came back to me... half of it have been accomplished and half are not.. and maybe (maybe??) ya maybe because we don't know what will happen in the future (shit don't tell me you're still hoping for it to happen) no no, i'm not. okay maybe.. or it will never happened.
as it was about two weeks ago, he had invited me to go raya to his house. (maybe he wasnt meant to invite me) but yeah, i was like... oh wow... that's one of my wish that had been stated in the list. but somehow, i still have my pride. so i decided to not go to his house unless he invites me again during eid.. and i was like, yeah if he does invited me, i wanted to have a polaroid selfies, and polaroid picture (sort of a portrait) with his mommy! with him and me beside her.. wakakakakakakaka such a lame wish dont ya think so? but that's what i wanted to have kahh. well, actually i really want to see his lil sister...
back then, 4 years ago when he and me a couple, and during we talked on the phone, he once or twice or even the thrice times, he gave me to hear his lil sister talk, and i still remember the one cute voice singing "tanya sama pokok" hahahaha cute! i don't have any chances yet to meet her in real life, i just heard her voice, and just so, now she's growing up... i really wanna have a talk with her just so i was in love with kids! andd so, ahhhh that was just a dream. i bet, if i was there, i'm not gonna ever talk to him because i just wanna talk with his lil sister! yeayyy!
but nahhh it was ruined just after we fought last week. ahaksss we have a big fight until he removed me from his friend list and i don't even care.. (or i still care, but less) (or...more) but whatever it is, i don't mind. that was just a wish of the selfish soul in my body.. i wished to have a photo with him, i ever do wish to go raya with him, to go iftar with him, but iftar has pass, and i think i did well, i've done well for now, i have put a barrier, a wall, the concrete, strong enough wall between me and him. i was wondering, do i have the chance to go iftar with you? to go raya with you? (shit, tears were gloom into my two pools of eyes)
but i keep reminding myself that i shouldn't have being a reckless selfish bitch.he left, i don't put a blame on him. it wasnt his fault anyway, maybe i have too much flaws that he can't handle me. because he once said " you're like a rose, the more i keep holding you, the more it hurts me" yes, that's what i am. i used to be a rose where only a man with dignity will value me instead of the thorns that hurts him. i thought you'd be the man, but you're still a boy.
however, i've decided not to continue my wishlist as i knew, that he was happy now with her. damn it wehh you know, i never felt this soooo insecure feelings. insecurities in her drowned me into my sort of ngehhh whatever. but she got that cute, innocent face than mine! i meant, i have that fierce gorilla face (omg i talked bad about myself). so yaaa no wonder he chose her. but that's okay this is what i want... to make a love sacrifice kahkahkah (okay i'm serious in my laughing tone).
so it happened when i was whatsapping chawda, my best friend, my best listener, i told her that, i shouldnt being selfish. Allah had gave me the chance the opportunity for me to create good things and moments with him, so after all, he had took him back.. maybe because yaa Allah has a great plan for us, so ya i decided to just let go of my selfishness. i told her that if that girl can be a good motivator to him, can make him happy than hurting him as much as i hurt him (just so because i'm the 'rose' dahhh so i've hurt him) . i'll feel much relief though i wanted to be the one and be the sure one who'll make him focus on his study (kahkahkah in my ass)
then chawda said "really? a good motivator... just based on her look? i don't think so hahaha i mean if she can motivate him then, that's okay, good then but if it just her look and nothing less, it's better you" (wattahell? did you just make me feel sad?! i just happened to feel much relief without having to care or worry about him T.T)
then i said " no lah, InshaaAllah she can. or do you want me to ask him whether he's motivated by her or not? alaaaa but i'm sure enough that he had chose the best..if not, why he walked away from me? :p , be positive okay?" (wtf i just put in positive vibes in my thought and i feel like gahh i'm good)
chawda : "if you asked him, like he'll answer yours? if he did, he will just put a lie, so you better don't ask him" (haih chawda, you just make me wonder if i'm doing good in here.. if i done well in here?.. so far... i don't know)
then i said, "okay can i just go and approach her? can i make a wish to her?"
"i mean, i wanted to say to her that he's quite confusing and can get overly attach to something and easily give up on something that he finds it's hard to him so, i wanted to say that i hope she won't ever and never giving up on him to give him her support"
"i wanted to say to her that he sometimes is hard to predict (maybe all the time) and he sometimes can be good, cool, okay, or sometimes he's not and decided to keep in silent but whatever happened, i want her to stay and still give her back on him and be patient... he has that ego, his ego are way beyond the hills.. but i don't know how was his ego to her (maybe he lowered down his ego to his beloved one) but whatever it is, i want her to be patient to have that patience and stay positive.. and never give up.. always have a good mind on him"
"i wanted to say that she has to know, he loved her and was serious about that the moment he showed public affection with her. i want her to put trust in him and always treat him well, love him in the first place like the first time they were together. "
"hahaha im crying T.T whyyy.. damn"
"oh stop it.. and i wanted to say to her that she shouldnt forget about her study and his too. i want her to be a good motivator to him for him to run to his goal, i hope she won't allow him to drown into love like he drowned when he was in matrix, i wanted both of them to always remind each other about their studies and never give up on their goals. i know she's better than me, so i'm gonna feel relief if she could be good to him"
and so, chawda said....
"oh ima you know everything about him..."
"it hurts..."
"i think you shouldnt do that.."
"let her handle him by herself"
" i know, you care for him, you did care about his study. but, he chose to be with that girl. if he chose you, he will be at peace and his life would be like.. his future is always be in the thought of the person that loved him "
and from janny's point of view ....
"i don't get it why you have that heart.. that heart that.. after what he had done to you.."
"even people calling you a fool for still care for him, but it's not, that's why we call love sacrifice. the thing that i never get it for now..."
and that's what love drives me in... i don't ask for it. i don't ask myself to care.. but when you're in love.. i mean, in real.. falling in love of.. you're gonna feel that everything will move the other way that you don't want it to.
so yup, i've decided to let him be happy with her.. as long as he's happy, it'll make me happy too :') and sorry guys, whenever i tend to feel like nobody's gonna hear me or feel me, besides i tell Allah about it, i write in my blog. as it seems, everything have been thrown out from the inside. and thank god that he don't know my new blog link. hihi damn hoping that he don't know or else i'll be dead.. or i'm gonna feel like to commit suicide! (MALUUUUU KOTTT) okay, so tonight i'm gonna go to an open house...(maybe). so i'm gonna tell you how was it! enough with this sad entry haha. bye Assalamualaikum!
so i hope in few years to go, someone will come to my house with his parents and... give me the ring!! kahkahkahkahkah
(may Allah put him to his care.... always)
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