well, actually about i'm bragging myself on how i could handle all the chores and so, i made it yupp i made it but that's just not my thing. not because i was that lazy dumbass but my body, i meant, i have that problem for not keeping it to its limit. ya know, when you have reached on that particular level, you know that you're just gonna put yourself into trouble so... i did. (padan muka aku)
i sounds cheesy, cheeky.. but that's just how my body reacts on things.. see? i've exposed you one of my flaws, well i dont think i have the good sides on me. (hahaha now i'm crying). it's not that i dont have that confidence but as i ... (haha now i feel so dumb..) i still put in the positive vibes in my mind, keeping that i was doing better.. nah but i can't .i can't lie to myself but im good. i must say that i'm good at acting on it. i.. i can keep lying to my friends, my best friends.. or even him. (f***, i mentioned him too).
SO IN CONCLUSION, I'M HAVING ATELOPHOBIA
don't wait for me to feel empty or nothing about you so then later you would want to appreciate me but, guess what? it'll be too late for you to show your actions. even a thousand of sorry you say, your sorry means nothing anymore. but what's more sucks is that... you're not coming back anyway because i knew, even you're gonna come back again, you're just gonna leave me anyway. that's just how i stand in your eyes. a place where you're not gonna stick till the end.
it's all because i have too many flaws. now, i'm having thanthophobia. where you're scared of losing someone you loved. and i lose. okay i keep saying that it was his lost for losing me, but nahh deep down, i know it was my lost too. i lose him but did he care? i don't think so. thinking what he did for me, those flowers, watching sunrise together, went for a picnic, movies, breakfast,lunch, supper.. drive thru.. (cehhhh) and other stuffs,, it flicks my mind.. making me wonder.. did he do that for real? i mean deep down from his heart? from the buttom of the very buttom one?
i wonder if.. that was just a test. i meant, like i'm one of his role-play for him to get ready to be with her? am i that easy to him? (i can't stop my tears now, good) damn.. "where did i go wrong?" the moment i started to think back about what we once was before.. the question always pop out. "where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong? where did i go wrong?" and my answer would be ..."he don't love me, that's how it looks that easy for him to ask me walk away.. " how i wish i can just go. but i kept wanting to know about him. it's not that i was being nosy but.. i care.. i care a lot.
i just hope that he would do better at his best for his next sem, though he's not here with me anymore, i just hope that girl would be a good motivator to him as i'm sucks at it (i know that, that's why he went for her. LOL). i hope that he could do better.. i just hope that he would be a better man. because i don't think he's a man yet. i know..and i knew that he's still a boy. (i just can't find anything about me that could make someone stay). i have too many flaws. i can't even show the good side of me. i can't pretend like im good. that's just how i identify the real and the fake ones. i showed my flaws and it's their choice to choose whether to stay or leave.
i just hope that one day you'd be a real man instead of a young, reckless boy who messed and confused with everything. because real man is a man where he's so sure of what he want and will get it to its way no matter what the obstacle would be. (nahh you won't get it until you be the real man. until you grew up. you need to grow up first)
seriously, i'm just tired. tired is the word i used to show how sad i was. i'm tired of lying to myself that everything's gonna be okay.. it's gonna be fine and ya know what? nothing has changed. seriously? nahh enough with that thangg soooo...
now, i'm stuck between "i really wanna talk to you" (because i've sooo sooo much to tell you about! if we were like we used to be, you're gonna be the first i tell you about) or.. "i really need to get over you" (because you've her. the one that you can accept all the flaws she got there though i don't find any.. yeah she's perfect and far beyond me)
he wished eid mubarak to me yesterday on whatsapp but i just left him with the blue tick. (here you go ima, i.. i feel like to cry). it was short. so i was thinking whether i should be happy or get mad because THERE'S NO SORRY FROM HIM! HE DIDN'T ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS. fuck you. you dumbass you've hurt me a lot bullshit why can't you say sorry. just that short wish and it sounded like a cheap roasted pig. "mat ri ye" wtf is that? that's sooo odd. yucksss BASTENG!
okay can't be denied, just receiving his wish, made me smile. but it's a mixture of feelings. i don't feel these such of feelings with others. oh just stop it ima.... okay... but... i can't lie.. i can't lie that I REALLY WANT TO REPLY HIM! (nahh i don't feel that way like.. not reaching the stage yet) (i lied) (whatever sucks). but i decided to leave a blue tick because.. i know he's happy now. so why should i reply.. i'm gonna make him think about me (kahkah bodoh perasan gila aku). okay whatever ahhhh but the thing is...
i scrolled my ig this morning and saw his short video on it and... i saw she commented on his video like.... DAMN! AHHHHHH!!!! WTF...WTH...ya knowww aku rasa macam nak meroyan then suddenly i got to my sense back and yaaaa he has that power ya know? the man power.. i'm not his wife, not even his fiance, or even his girlfriend or even and even the very important over very needed person to him so WHY THE FUCK I SHOULD BE JEALOUS?! BUT THE THING IS, I GET HURT! IT FREAKING HURTS ME BULLSHIT! and it even annoyed me when i clicked on that girl's ig (i wasnt on my purpose) or.. it was.. but yaaaa she tagged him on her photo?! like.. wtf? okay no.. no nooo NO!
i shouldnt get mad... i shouldnt get jealous.. i'm nobody. i'm beyond down his feet. (that's where i belong to.. i meant, he puts me there) haih.. i wonder if he ever knows that he's all i think about at night (cehhh poyo) . how was he? is he doing well? is he fine? is he okay? is he happy? is.. is... did he think about me? (in my ass lah he was thinking about you. why you? of course he's thinking and imagining on how he's gonna get married with her. and of course he's doing well, even good without you. you're just a trash ima. you're nobody. you don't affect his life though and he's way happier without your existence). ouch that's hurt.
okay actually i get mad with that girl but.. thinking back.. it makes sense he went to her.. why he chose her. she's better than me. but i wonder did he meant what he said to me? "it's impossible to find someone like you. i dont think if i can find someone better than you. but i'm hurt ima, a lot" nahh i think he said that it was because he don't want me to feel hurt so much. he don't want to put me into that situation where i'd feel like he's stabbing me for thousand times on my back.
but i kept telling myself that i knew, he don't mean to hurt me.. but he did anyway. he just did that. and sometimes i wish i could read his mind. but then, i wonder if i could handle the truth. ahhhh those questions.. i'm sick of thinking it.. figuring it out by myself what are his points of doing this thing.. all the things he had done to me, with me.. those memories we created together.. is it from his heart? did he meant it? did he meant it what he has said to me on 12th of april 2015 at 9.40 pm? did he just said that he loves me from his heart? ir it's just from his mouth?
but whatever it is, in my eyes.. now.. he's so very the luckiest guy .. and vewyy the happiest guy on earth with that girl. she's cute, pretty, and bertudung, and more kind of course.. and not a lame as fuck as me. so she's better than me so she made him feel appreciated because i knew, i cant do that. i can't even get to compliment him (i used to compliment him to my friends kahh but of course i'm not gonna say it on his face.) (pemalu aku ni kahhh) . but whatever it is, deep in my heart i really wanna have a real deep conversation with him but i just cant be that selfish who sell the fish. (lame joke ha ha ha). i have to. i have to do this. not because i leave him, (never) but i need to keep a distance from him. giving him the space he needs.
what i wanted to say, if he ever comes back, i hope that time and that moment.. he has grew up. i meant, i want him to come back as a man. not a boy who's always feel confused. i want him to come back with his goals on never giving up on me no matter what will happen and making me as him forever ( yucks gth. did i just say that? OMG) but that was just a hope lol because i knew, he wouldn't come back. whatever lah, if it's meant to be, it'll be. but i just hope he'd grow up and be the real man. i'm here on his back (always) though he don't know that i was there from the start. but that's okay. that's how love drives me :')
and... i can't explain how painful it is to wait for something that never comes... never...
so i decided to put trust in Allah and redha... and i don't know what's worse...
watching you walk away,
or watching you love someone else.
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