so let me get this straight for you to think. you like her, but you are not sure if you want to be with her, but you like her enough to talk to, but you are not sure if you want to be more than just friends, but you want her to think of you as her boyfriend, but you put it hanging.. a 'hanging relationship' as you enjoy being single, but you dont want anybody else to get at her, but you can flirt with other girls, but you get jealous when other guys talk to her, but you dont want to talk to her of all the time, but you want her to pay attention to only you, but you think it's annoying when she blows up your phone, but you dont like it when she talks to other guys, but you dont want to be tied down yet, but you want her to act like she's your girl, but you dont want to be in a relationship as an excuse you said you are not ready.. as an excuse to make her clinging onto you, you said you dont want to lose her again that's why you dont want to be in a relationship with her, but you want her to be loyal to just you, she did. but you want to have fun right now, but you want to be loved by her, but you are not ready to commit to only her? is it fair? think. think twice before you said anything... you said to me that you loves me... "i still loves you" is the saddest word in the whole world of my life. you dont know how it hurts me knowing that it was just a sentence that came out from your mouth. all this while, i thought it was real, i thought it was from your heart... i misjudge you.
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it was already 12.30 pm.. my friends were coming one by one... and i talked with them but... i didnt fully focus on what they were saying about.. i was... my mind was.. my mind was thinking about him. i was worried... i was worried that he wont come or even if he come, im scared too. scared that he would give me a new hope on him and leave me like there's nothing happened. i dont know. i dont know what was on my mind. i dont know what was the real to be true thing i wanted from him. i just.... it confused me. but for real, i was waiting for him to show his face on that day because... i believed that he loves me. as the clock is ticking, my heart beats even faster.. i can feel billions of butterflies were cuddling in my stomach. i felt uneasy. i cant sit and even stand properly. i was so worried. my heart was begging him to come... my mind, was begging him to not come... and deep insides, my heart says yes and my mind says no. my heart and my mind doesnt work together, this time, they were also fight... fight for the right things to happen. minutes by minutes, it was already 1.15 pm. and i didnt received any messages or calls from him. i didnt see his figure showing on that day. minutes later, my phone was vibrated and i quickly unlock the screen. it was from him! "im here, at the back of the grooms" I SMILED! that was the time my heart wins... my mind loss.. it's such a relief for me to get a message from him. he loves me... i can feel it... i know... i know i was right... they were wrong.. im going to tell them that they were all wrong.
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"i made an excuse to the manager you know, i told her that it was an emergency. i should went back to work at 1.30 but it was almost 2" he was saying that to me. i asked him "why did you come? is it because you loves me?" he didnt answered. he changed the topic "i've got to go, im late. byee thanks for this" he left... again... again my question had been ignored by him. it hurts me a lot. but i didnt show it to him. i did felt like to cry but no, i was saying to myself that i wont be silly crying on my brother's big day. it's a no! i asked him on wechat "why did you come today? is it because you loves me or you were forced to?" he refused to answer it... i ...i cant read his mind... i really confused. "then why you didnt chase me away? ahhh there's no meaning that i was forced to come. i got to go now. bye" he ended our conversation into a simple bye. woww it hurts me. really it hurts me. yes i have been holding it too long... i cant take it.. i cant face it anymore... i went into the washroom and cried. whyyy, why he was acting this way... if he just being honest.. if he just being gentle and not a coward butch. i wont hurt this much. i wont questioned his doings! i wont! even though he had shown his face on that day... it cant be made as the answers for my questions. after he turned up on that day, i was putting so much hope on him.. again, i was saying that he loves me because he came. but yet, i still wanted to hear from his own mouth. i was waiting for it to come out from his mouth... from his heart... but no... there's no answer as i was the only one who lives in this world. like his soul has ceased from his body and the one left was only the shell.
i went log in to my twitter. i saw his tweet... " i kept my words" it seems like he was forced to come to my brother's wedding ceremony.. it seems like he was not sincere at all. i unmentioned him and tweeted what i wanted to tweet "it seems that you were forced to. oh okay now i know the reason" he saw my tweet... he replied "no you dont" .....i cried... "just do whatever you want" .... i was such a baby cry... what is wrong with me? why i was being sooo sooo sensitive when it comes to him? what the fuck is wrong with me? "dont check up on people who have decided you are not in their life anymore. you dont need to know how they are doing. save yourself the trouble, seriously tia" said chawda. it was a sign for me to back off. she asked me to move on. she didnt allow me to stay still and wait for him anymore.... but, what if i love him forever? does it wrong? it wont be wrong.. but i wish i was dead as he's not here for me. "shut the fuck up tia, move on. you need to move on, you see, im scared that it would be more painful if you keep waiting..." i know what she meant. i know.. but i cant. "there's no release of him. he was in my dream... no one compares to him. " i said smoothly.. "i dont know why is he so special to you? he's not so handsome like you said, he's not tough, he was just a thin woody man... what made him so special to you tia? there are sewliz and nathan and also deylon who waited for you. just choose one of them and move on! stop the nonsense of being faithful to him" i dont know... my heart... i dont feel like to do anything "you know that my heart has been locked.. and the key was with him"
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i started to feel tired as it seems that i was the only one who put in the efforts. when i ignores him, yeah that's when i finally give up on everything and when i was too tired to give a fuck. i dont know what to think anymore. i just have had enough of his attitude. to me, all he ever did was hurting me and beating me down. i was deeply unhappy and i ever need was for him to make me believe that im worth so much more to him. make me believe that he's really so into me and love me and he even do give a damn about me. because when i ignores him, that is when i actually needs him the most. it might be a hard work since i'll act cold towards him but who else to be blamed for turning me into this way if not him, himself? i was waiting for him to seek for me... but he didnt. i once did asked my best friend for his help. ya, he's a guy. i told him that i wanted to use his name. so i tweeted about him. i tweeted that i was going out with him and he bought me a bracelet even though the truth is i was in my room the whole day. where the truth is i was just wanted his attention. for him to pay an attention to me and said that he loves me but yet, he didnt say it. he even texted me to go get that guy as he's way better than him. it breaks my heart into pieces. he was stupid. he was silly to say that i should go get him. he was bullshit as he cant even read my mind. i just want him. he cant see the purpose of im doing that thing. all he see was a lie. i lied to him for a good. i want him to know that i just need him. but you know what? he saw nothing. as it looks like he has a blind heart. he cant read my eyes. he said what he felt. he didnt think about what i felt. how i wished he would know how much i love him for real. "im going to give up on him on my birthday. ya i promised to myself. whatever it is, im going to get the answer on my birthday" i said to chawda, my best best listener... she never feels tired to lend her ears to me.. i thanked to god for giving me such a best friend to me.
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28 FEBRUARY 2014
"happy 17th birthday to my beautiful tia. you are living this life with an amazing patience. dont let anyone brings you down in whatever you are doing, including him. you deserve someone better than him! stay pretty and good luck for you spm! love you! thanks for our valuable friendship, have a safe journey and enjoy!" it was 12.01 am. she's the second person who wished me. the first person was his crush. kahkah! hahahahahahaha! i was actually waiting for him. i thought he would be the first person to wish me but no.. i was wrong. there goes one by one who wished me but yet, there's no him. i was sad.. i started to feel that i was not the first person for him to think of. i waited till it was12.51 am. i received his message "Assalamualaiku, happy 17th birthday. 17 eh? you are growing up. back then when we started to know each other, you were just 14. may you live longer and be blessed. cliche. haaa good luck for your SPM this year. haa what do i need to say then? haa that's all. take care. byeee" it hurts me. one : he was not the first person to wish me. second : he wished me 51 minutes late.. third : there's no " i love you" from the message. my heart broke into pieces... i have tried to fix it but i cant. it can be glued but the wound.. the scars wont be healed. it hurts me when i got a simple wish from the one i really loved and... i waited for. how could he do this to me. he has no heart to feel what i felt. he was bad as hell. he's worst than an evil. i cried. i cried because he didnt put the effort to be the first person for me. i was totally hurt. the feelings of celebrating my 17th birthday had been ruined.
this year was the first time i celebrated my birthday without my parents or even my family. it was just me and a friend. my bestfriend chawda, she had bought a cupcake for me to eat during my journey to Johor Bahru. i was touched and thanked to her. hawhh i was crying a little on the bus as i had no one to celebrate with. ya maybe one, my friend. but still, i felt empty on the insides. i had been asked to attend an activity for girls' guide. so our school had chose me and my friend as i was the president for girls' guide in my school. i was on the bus.. i asked him "as it's my birthday, can i ask you something? can you be honest?" he replied "what was it?" i started it "do you love me for real?" he didnt answered me. he kept in silence. i knew it. i knew that he wouldnt answer it. i just knew because he's a coward butch that only know how to hurt me... how to make me wonder because of him... it hurts me A LOT! and that was part of my birthday gift this year...
i wonder how it feels like, to have you feeling the same way like how i feel for you. for you to miss me when the sun goes down and all night long. and for you to value my worth and to be on so happy to have me by your side. and i also have always wondered what it feels like if one day i have lost the urge to persue in you. how would that make you feel and would you ever try and come find me? and so, i hope that day will come cause honestly right now, im so tired of trying to stay on when you were never even mine. you even dumped me after 3 days of my birthday... it was such a hugeee birthday gift for me. you ripped off my heart into pieces...you dont know the nights i spend was crying my heart out over you...
i saw his twitcon. his twitcon was with her ex girlfriend in the car. the were taking selfie. and i did also saw his tweet that have been tweetjacked by his ex girlfriend "we're getting back together. i love him" i dont want to believe it. i just cant accept it. i dont want to accept it. i refused to believe it. i decided to asked him but he didnt even sent me a message. he just disappear ... like... i was dreaming all these while.. like it was a sweet dream and the reality was cruel enough to make me hurt this much. it's painful deep insides. i cried out loud till i cant hold myself back. till i cant breathe properly.. till i felt it was truly deeply totally hurt till i cried for hours! i called chawda. "i told you tia, see? at the end, you are the one who was in hurt. you are hurting yourself for trusting him. he's totally such a jerk dick" i cried. i cant even say anything as i cried like a baby who didnt get his toy to play of. deep insides... i was hurt so much.. and this time.. he was hurting me so deeply madly than 3 years ago. i cried... even when i was writing my diary, i could still cry because the old wound had bleed again. this time the wound cant be healed for days... not this time. it was a deep cut. that was the time i wished i had no feelings. i wished that i never woke up from this reality. i just wanted to live in the dream where i dont have to face the reality that he dumped me so badly, that i have to face for losing him again... all i felt was... i have been used for him to get his ex girlfriend back. for me, i have been used to make his ex girlfriend being jealous and fight for him again. for me, i was just a toy. a toy where he used me when he was bored because he's single. a toy where he would throw me away after he got back his beloved toy, his new toys... he is totally such a jerk to me.
back then, i remembered that i have warned him that if he cant hold his back off from his ex girlfriend then he should just go get her and leave me but he refused to! he said he wont look back! it's a lie! lies! lies that he had been spread to make me fall for him again and leave me like im living in hell! is it fun? does it fun doing this bullshit things to me? i was hoping that one fine day karma hits you back! give you a big shot! he even tweeted "i was stupid, i left out the gold just wanted to get the bronze" and i must say that it was for me... i mentioned him " and i was that bronze".... he replied like he was so sure "ahhhh there's no meaning" and you see? at the end he left me. at the end, he went back to the girl he used to say that he preferred to be only friends. the one he said that he cant love her anymore. he gave me hope and leave me in silence. wow that was just rude man. and do you know what sucks? when someone says they love you but they dont really show it. it's like you always have to ask but you dont do that because that would annoy them and you are scared of the answer. so you bottle it up and wonder every day whether they do or not as even when you asked them they kept it in silence. it hurts getting treated like this because it's not easy to love someone. liking someone is easier than loving them. once you do, there's no turning back. you will love them no matter how flaw-full that person is. you accept them even though they have hurt you countless of times before. oh and it was sucks when you get not reply on wechat . even if that person replies, you get shitty ones. you see them online on whatsapp, you wait. then, their status turns offline and still not a single reply. it hurts even more when you see them retweeting and mentioning people on twitter but cant even fucking reply you.
you dont know how stupid it feels to be waiting for something like that. then, when they feel like it, they will come to you as if they did nothing wrong. you think i have no feelings is it? honestly, it hurts a lot. i wonder how people can treat someone like an option. if you dont know how to love then dont. you cant just simply go around telling people 'i love you' or ' i have never stopped loving you' or even ' i still loves you' but reality is you dont love them. you cant give hope to people and then fucking leave at the end. so stop leading people on you piece of shit. you cannot just come and go like that after leaving a mark on someone's heart. that's just rude.dont you know that?!
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i sent him a message on wechat. i gave him my last words to him and even congratulated him. i cried.. he didnt even reply it. it's okay.. i told myself to hold back of myself. i deleted him from wechat. yes... it was an end of our 'hanged relationship' it was an end of our 'complicated love' and it was an end of my heartache. i let him go. i was the one who let his hands off because he didnt say anything... he just keep in silence. im sorry because i couldnt keep my words. im sorry because i couldnt withstand too much heartbrokens. i chose to leave. i chose to let you go. i chose not to care anymore. everything hurts like a bullshit because i care too much. days later i decided to move on. i decided to turn my back off him. im not going to look at him anymore. im not going to show him that im weak and was holding onto him. i decided to ask for help from my ex boyfriend from johor bahru. i asked his permission to make his picture as my header on twitter and being my 'partner-in-crime-as-the-boyfriend' so i tweeted about him. it was all lies. i lied the public just wanted to cover my weakness. he might think that i was fully moved on. he might think that i dont love him for real. but who cares? he chose her. i dont think that he should know the truth because im not important. i was a trash for him. plus, i did stalked his twitter. he seems to be happy. it seems like there's nothing happened. he didnt even show any feelings of guilty. i decided to let him see that i can live and still happy without him. i can even took a short of time to have a relationship with someone else even though it isnt. how much i tried to not love him... the love keeps growing. i hate him but the love wont leave.
months later, i updated my bio "8811" as it were beautiful numbers yaaa it was the date of us 3 years ago but there's no use. i just wanted to make it. for real, i dont meant to make it as our symbol. just few minutes of updating my bio, he mentioned me on twitter asking me to delete the numbers. he even cursed me "gfy" is "go fuck yourself" right? i didnt believe that it was him. i knew him. he wont be harsh on a girl. he wont cursed as he dont like using those bad words. i felt sad if it was him but i was so sure it was not him. a week later, i received a message from him it was 6.16 am when i was getting ready to go to school "assalamualaikum. sorry for interrupting you, just want to tell you something. that's not my tweets. someone used my twitter account to mention you. im sorry. morning and have a nice day ahead" i knew it. i knew it wasnt him. i cried. cried because i knew he wouldnt used harsh words on me.... i cried because i knew it was just not him. yes i cried out my heart over him for many times... silly me. because i was stupid.
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as a saying goes, "just because you are unhappy, doesnt mean you cant laugh at funny things and marvel at beautiful things and enjoy happy moments.you can still do happy things even if you are unhappy" it have been 4 months after we lost contact... now it was july... on 22nd of july, all the form 5 prefects had our retirement day... and that was the last day im wearing the tie he tied for me 3 years ago. that was the last time i could bring it every monday. i wanted to untie it.... but i cant.. my hands stopped.. my heart didnt allow me. i cried... i cried as it was the last day im wearing thing that he made for me. i was stupid to think about him again. hahaha silly me because he has moved on longggg time ago. im fine...but every time i close my eyes... it seems to be dark. the wound still bleeds freshly. i have moved on but .....my heart had been closed again. and something insides me dies. and i wish i could feel the way i used to but i dont. i miss the old me. i have changed... the change of me was for my own sake. maybe? even it have been months, i keep hoping that he would send me a message. sick of waiting and being stupid, i decided to change my number. yes. i bought a new number and the old sim card... i threw it away. i dont want to to be such a bullshit anymore. so im using new number. no more the feelings of waiting.... because you know, it hurts me a lot whenever it reminds me of him. even though i loved him... my heart has been cut deeply. and if my fate was to be with him again, i dont want to and i refused to.
is it the end of the story? yeah... a happy ending was always on drama. there's no happy ending in reality.
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