what i felt for him seems to be too complicated to define but it soon becomes obvious to me that the strongest emotion i felt, the one that was stirring in my heart was.... love. yeah it was love. and the moment i started to love him, started to attach on him again... he.... started to let me feel that i was the only one who fought for us... early of january... our relationship were still okay. we can laugh and so even though we had fights several of times because of our complicated relationship and his ex girlfriend. we did get to be good again and do some jokes, laughs, and cared about each other....and that was the moment i was hoping that it wont last. i dont want to lose him. but why... why i thought that i was the only one who feels it? where's his word? saying that he dont want to lose me again. where did he put his efforts on? did he really loves me? did he just realized that im not the one he wanted to be? did he just felt bored? i wonder... i wonder if his feelings towards me was real or it was just a play for him till he get a new girlfriend? i...i know that i shouldnt be curious... i shouldnt let my trust ruined for him. i should trust him but how long it can be kept in silent? how long i can keep it alone? i cant take it anymore.. it's like a dark paradise... "forget how he called you beautiful. forget how he gave you the butterflies every time you saw him. forget your first meet. forget how everyone talked about how cute you two were together. forget chatting with him till 4 am. forget everything you loved about him. remember how he broke your heart last 3 years. it's time for you to give up before it's too late tia. forget all about him" it was from my best listener when i seek her to listen what i wanted to share and express... and it breaks the silence into tears.. i cried.. i cried because i felt the same thing but i refused to listen to it.. i .... am i stupid? is it true that i've been fooled? AGAIN?... i....i just cant..... we are running in a circle and...and i wished you to come back again... am i wrong for wishing those little shit things? am i? ...
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it was end of january... there's an audition for malay drama contest. i went for it and a day later i have been called to be a director not an actress. my language teacher had put the trust on me as a director so ya... im going to do it for the best! we have been practicing the drama almost everyy dayyy.. we stayed after school session and have meeting and started to practice all the things.. some of them were preparing the props for the drama contest.. and me? i was giving instructions and directions where they should walk, sit and how they should say dialogue with full of emotions... this drama contest make me remembered the past.. 3 years ago where i have been asked to be in one of our school dramas' team. i have been asked to play the role of our first prime minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman as the one who brings the 'peace' in Malaysia together with the others. i have been asked to wear a pair of Baju Melayu..but i dont have! my dad's was too big and so do my brothers' i asked my girl friends as maybe they would help me by finding the baju melayu but they said it was big. and there's one left i didnt asked yet that was him... at that time, we are just in a friendzone where we just knew each other. i do blushed when i wanted to ask him for a Baju Melayu to borrow to. "hey, hmm do you have baju melayu? " i asked him and still, i can felt my cheeks were heated in pink. " yeah why?" ....."err can i borrow? well it was for my school drama. my dad one is big lah and so do my brothers', if you dont mind would you care to lend me you baju melayu?" .... aaaahhhh!! i felt soo sooo scared you know. i felt like i was doing something bad... oh come on... "yeah sure.. what color you want? i give you my last year's baju raya you want? it was in purple" he replied faster than i thought.
OMG!!!! IT WAS MY FAVORITE COLOR! " OKAY!!!" i agreed and yeayyyy he's going to send it to me. it was saturday where my friend and i were at a public library in kuantan to do our task.. "i was going to go to my tuition near the library" he texted me. "okay, then just bring along your baju melayu and you can drop it in here" i asked him to bring along his baju melayu... well he was form 5 back then, of course he have to attend classes to excel in his SPM right? after hours of doing our task and homeworks, we decided to go back home. then i texted him to bring it faster as i wanted to go back home. "wait, im on my way now" after 15 minutes of waiting, he appeared! he was showing up with his motorcycle which i dont know what brand it was. seriously talk, i dont even try to care the brand of the motorcycles in our country because im so not interested! he gave me his baju melayu which was in purple. ahhhhh!! and it was our very first time we met for real! he was soooo sooo ahhhhhh.... i was melting seeing him back then.... it can be considered as thousands,millions,billions of butterflies were cuddling in my stomach. i felt so nervous.. he was so cute hihi. my heart... my heart were beating so fast! i feel like vomiting because i....i just....im totally fall for him...it can be called as "love at the first sight" wowww too dramatic is it? but ya... that was the moment i fell for him and decided to get him. i decided to win his heart.
i smelled the the clothes... omg it smelled downy which the smell was lavender.. i hate lavender... i sneezed and i asked my mother to wash it before i wear the baju melayu. i just cant go with the smell... it really made me sink into sick... i felt like to vomit.. i felt dizzy.. i felt heavy on my head... like there's a largeee biggg rock knocked my head off. so i decided to have a rest. when the day comes, i wore his baju melayu. it was a little big.. the sleeves were too way long.. the pants? yeahh.. too long. i was happy wearing his baju melayu on that day till i got many compliments from my friends and teachers of my acting. hihi they said i played the role very well. thanked to him. thanked to his baju melayu because i did it. i washed them and decided to give it back to him. so he came to my house and i gave it back to him... i was just.. happy. happy that i could meet him again! he came to my house at night and i gave his baju melayu.. thank you. a bigg appreciation to him as he left a sweet memory to me back then.. i wont forget about it.. i received his text "you are the first one who wore my baju melayu" im touched... and happy at the same time too.. you dont know how i felt to him... every time when it comes to sleep... im scared... every time i close my eyes... im scared to open it on the next day. because im scared that it was just a dream. where there's no you. where i was just all alone. where i was hoping that i wont wake up from this tonight.. there's no one compares to you... no one.
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we fought again and again... like there's no trust between us anymore.. it was end of january and... and my brother's wedding ceremony is just around the corner. it was on February 8 2014. it was another 2 weeks of my brother's wedding and i sent him a message "i dont care if we're still in fight or what, i wanted to see your face during the ceremony day. if you're busy or what.. i still wanted to see your face there" he was on his semester holidays... and he was working as a part-time worker.. he replied "i was working.. my shift was in the afternoon. insyaAllah i'll make it if there's no barrier" i didnt reply.. we fought... and this time it was getting serious. you know, the last time he said he loves me was on the night of new year's eve... recently, i did asked him whether he loves me or not... but he didnt answer. he never gives me the answer. he left it hang... you know how much it hurts me waiting for the answer? my bestfriends asked me to move on.. they said they dont want to see me being stupid like a cow.. being fooled and you know what? i didnt listen to them. i wanted to believe that he loves me. i wanted to believe that they were wrong.. and this time.. it really hurts me a lot. almost every day i cried over him. i cried because i felt i was the only one who fought for him. it seems that i was the only one who show the efforts on him. so why the fucking hell he didnt show his efforts? i saw his tweets.. he retweeted the quotes tweet of showing efforts but you know what? he's the one who didnt show the effort. his ex girlfriend... days by days.. his ex girlfriend's saying were seems to be real. he didnt even tried to stand for himself. he preferred to make me wondered and questioned it every time i wanted to sleep... i sleep, i closed my eyes in tears.. yes almost every night i closed it with tears because he did this terrible thing towards me. and every night with the tears im asking myself "what did i do? what have i done to him till he did this bullshit things to me? what is my fault actually? why he turned me into this way?'
"im going to move on.. im going to.. im going to stop fight for him, im going to giving up on him just after the wedding ceremony. that was the only thing that can be the answer of my questions all this time. if he loves me, he would make it. he would showing up on that day even though he was working... he loves me if he come. and im going to back off. im going to turn my back off him if he didnt come because i know he dont love me" i said to my bestfriends... they replied "last time you did say you wanted to give up end of january, now you said you wanted to wait till your brother's wedding? okay. tell him that way" i smiled nonchalantly.. "no, im not going to say it to him. im going to keep it in silence.. it's all depends on him. if he sincerely loves me, he would come without me telling him to come if he loves me" they mad at me. but i smiled. saying that it's okay. i can bear the hurt... i said that my wound would heal in just few days even if he leaves me. i was being positive to them but they were still mad at me especially my best listener, chawda. i added, "dont worry, i will put an end on that day" yes... im going to put an end. i was hoping that he wont come on that day so i dont feel to be longing to him again. so that i could move on. so that i could run away from this hurt.. so that this painful heartache wouldnt be hurt anymore... so that i dont put any hopes on him.. but deep insides... i was hoping for him to come. i was crying.. again, i cried for him. i cried because i do love him with full of my heart and i dont want to lose him and i know.. i know that the wound wont heal fast or it would never be.
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i was alone in my room. i was clearing and cleaning everything that was a mess in my room. i listened to a song sang by demi lovato, let it go. i smiled, i sang along with the song... and i was into the past... the flashbacks of us appeared slowly... the image of us appeared... i remembered the moment we met to watch a movie.. he asked me to hold his wallet for him as his pockets were too small. so yeahhh i hold it for him. then i went back home with his wallet in my bag! hahaha i forgot about it and so do him! i was in the car, texting with him and that was the moment i remembered he left his wallet in my handbag! "hey!! your wallet.. you left it. omg im so sorry because i forgot to give it back to youuuuu" he replied " haha nahh it's okay because i forgot to ask you about it too. nvm im going to get it later at your house" i smiled... hihi it seems that it has been planned as he wanted to see me again. cehhh such a dramatic sehh. the night comes.. i was in my room. i went through his wallet.. i was checking his wallet i digged everything... i saw his IC.. hahahahahahaha his face. IT WAS SO FUNNY! i laughed out loud! i... i just cant.. hahahahhaha his twelve years old face was like a lame. hahahahahahaha it caught my throat. i took a picture of it as i wanted to prank him later.. i saw his letter of giving a speech.. his hand writing was cute.. small and neat. i just love all the things about him. then i texted him as it was already 9.30 pm "where are you? when would you come?" i sent him a message while i was laughing sooo loudly. lol i cant hold it anymore as it was soo soo funnayyyhhh! "tomorrow lah. i forgot so i straightly went home. im going to come at tomorrow night okay?" so what do you think i did when i got a chance to hold his wallet for a night? i stared and make fun with his IC! HA HA!
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FEBRUARY 8, 2014
it was the day... ya it seems like we have been fought for about 3 weeks and yeah till the day of february 8, we were still in fight. i woke up early in the morning just to get ready with the cloth. it's the big day for my brother.. for us, the family... the theme was fluorescent green... just exactly his favorite color... it reminds me of him. the time... the time was getting near. it was the day... it's today for me to get the answer... even though he dont know what's with the ceremony.. it was all depends on him. yaa today, im going to get the answer... i... im going to let him go if he didnt come. yes, it's the best for us. i remembered that i've promised myself that i will only let him go just if he's the one who let my hands off but... he never tells me that he still loves me. he never answered me if i asked him. it seems that i was the only one who was hoping and wishing that he would love me... in just hours... i would get the answer.. in just hours, i have to get ready with the circumstances that were going to happen. i... need to prepare myself. after i got ready with what im wearing.. i started to step out of my house to do the task that have been given to me. i had been asked to incharge with the goodies bag. i was sitting near the place. as there's no one here yet.. i played with my phone. i stared on the screen. waiting for him to text me, to send me a message on wechat... i... i was so nervous. i felt like it was the day where i have to move away from this place and build a new house for me, in the jungle living alone with the animals... i decided to not look at my phone. i decided to put it aside and.... again, i was dreaming... the past took me away from the reality... a flashback came to me... it's all about him.
we were into fight... it happened last 3 years... i was so mad at him. i dont know what was it but i just knew one thing, that i was really mad at him. then, i went log into my facebook. then i received a message on facebook which was from him. he sent me a photo.. a photo of him. he was sitting looking down on the floor. and there's something and a symbol of love stated on the floor which is "i love ima" . on his right hand, there was a stalk of red rose . if im not mistaken. but it was so sweet. i was like WTH?! "?? what is this??" minutes later, he replied my chat "sorry, that was not me. it was my friend he hacked my facebook" i was like oh mannn, whatever.. " oh okay" so we ended our conversation.. i ... i miss those moments. "haaa why were you smiling alone?" my mom's voice was heard. i was startled. mom aproached me with a question on her face. i stopped smiling.. well, i didnt realize that i was smiling actually. but ya, i was about to cry as it reminds me of today.. the date where i should put an end to our "hanged relationship" i have to make a move before im getting sink more deeper into his 'complicated love' ... it was already 12.30 pm.. my friends were coming one by one... and i talked with them but... i didnt fully focus on what they were saying about.. i was... my mind was.. my mind was thinking about him. i was worried... i was worried that he wont come or even if he come, im scared too. scared that he would give me a new hope on him and leave me like there's nothing happened. i dont know. i dont know what was on my mind. i dont know what was the real to be true thing i wanted from him. i just.... it confused me. but for real, i was waiting for him to show his face on that day because...
TO BE CONTINUED....
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