5 : An Excitement

        "tia what if i said i still loves you?" is it from him? REALLY?! i was ...OMG DID HE JUST SAID THAT HE STILL LOVES ME? i was speechless. there's nothing can be inserted to my description. there's nothing can describe, can be the image of what i felt. i'm just happy. excited. "hahaha r u kidding? " "because your joke doesnt seems to be funny anymore.." can i jump from level 30 of a building that can make me concious again?! i was thinking that this is just a dream. a dream where later i woke up and all were gone. there was no him. there will be just me. alone. where it's more painful when seeing him with another girl. if it's a dream can i just stay dreaming? can i not wake up like a sleeping beauty did? well im going to be a sleeping polar bear. kah! just... dont wake me up because if it's a dream i wanted to dream to the end. i wanted to watch the ending. the-happy-ending-story-of-my-life. then he replied "i still love you" i was like... WHAT IS THIS?! please please pleaseeeee someone pleaseeee pinch me. pinch me hardly! if i need to be slapped off just slap me! if it took a kick to make me wake up from my dream, just give me a kick off shot! " ouch! it's painful!" i was talking to myself and pinching myself too. so yaaa it was REAL! did you know it was just REAL! ha ha! im not dreaming! im happy. ya i was happy that he finally made a confession to me.

        im not sure with what i felt actually. i was thinking maybe... maybe i was happy because i just like him ..not that i love him. or maybe.... maybe my feelings were brought back to him when i was thinking about the past. maybe it was just a temporary just exactly the same with what i felt to my crush. i meant, when i like someone, i have a crush on them... but it was just for a short of time. then im not looking at them anymore. maybe some of them were caught up with me. but im sorry .... i cant force myself to be like .. forever likes you.. stick to you.. no. like what i said before, my heart was like it had been locked. i cant like or even love someone for a long time. like.... it was empty. EMPTY. there's no feelings. the feeling of excitement has loss. and should i search for it again? no. i dont think so. at that night, i went back to my brother's house which was at balok. as our house did not fully recovered cehhhh so ya my mom and my dad was staying there together so it was just me and my brothers, angah and alang. i was sleeping alone. no mom tonight. ngawww im scared mama! thanked to my cats because all of them were there with me in the room. as i was so tired so i slept earlier than before.

     i was walking towards the mall. and suddenly a snatch thief grabbed my handbag! i was like.. NOOOO! dont take it. give it back to me! in a quick action, i grabbed it back and he even tried to stab me with a short knife that can be kept in the pocket. like the movie used to show how it looks when a snatch thief used it to defend himself. then suddenly a guy came. he grabbed me off from the snatch thief and POP! he's the one who had been stabbed with the snatch thief as i was falling to the ground because of his action. the snatch thief then ran away and i was like. oh nooo oh noooo.... i went to him and i saw it was him! my ex boyfriend. the guy that im not sure whether he's the one that i really love or maybe it was just going to be like what i felt toward others. "omg! you stupid why you came up to help me. see what has it affected you! please please stay still dont sleep, dont close your eyes!" i called the ambulance and few minutes later they came to the rescue. i was crying. yes i was crying! i followed him. i was besides him in the ambulance and it really made me cry soooo like a wife who lost her husband. he died. he closed his eyes. i grab his hand. " no no no... please! dont close your eyes. open it please please... " he didnt do what i asked him. he leaves me.. he left me again. but this time was forever. i cried as much as i want and suddenly all things including him turned into blurry, the colour were in black again. ALL in black like i was transferred to the other dimension... i woke up. i woke up with a shock action. it was a dream! but then i realized, i realized that i cried for real! i meant, the moment i woke up, i was crying. i thought i was just crying in the dream. but i cried in sleep too. for REAL. WHAT IS THIS?!!!

********************
11.12.2013

      we chatted on wechat. i was sitting in my room while it's time to take a break after hours cleaning the room. so i had a conversation with him. just him. "hey, let's hang out today nak tak?" i was like. are you mad?! my family and i were busy cleaning the house and suddenly i asked them to send me. errr no way man plus im not in the mood of going out to have fun. i was still in trauma with what happened because of the flood. "sorry, but i dont think this is the right time for us to meet. well i've so much things to do. clean these, clean there, wash these, wash there... let's just meet when everything's back to normal, when everyone is not busy" i turned down his offer. what?! am i mad?! it's what i wanted before but whyyyyyy tia! well sorry, i have to turn him down for the family's sake. cehh yeah my family is the priority. he replied "please please, let's go out today and watch movie or anything. pleaseeeee! dont worry with the transport im going to fetch you. just wait there. go dressed yourself and wait till i fetch you. 2.30 pm okayy?" WHAT IS THIS?!! what's with today?! " no i dont want. if you want to watch movie or whatever just ask your friends. go with them. im not going to anywhere. im busy" ....." no tia, just today okay. today only lahh please pleaseeee. oh come on, pleaseee dont turn it down. jom lah. i fetch you and i 'll send you home too. dont worry. oh come onnn dont turn it down just like it's not important" yeahh, it was so not important to me actually. like seriously what's with today?! "no means no."........" awhhh tia please!!! think back .. think twice before you say no. pleaseeee. whatever it is im going to fetch you at 2.30 pm. just wait if you dont believe me" like WTF! what are you going to dooooo! ughhh!!! why was he desperately asking me out?! there's something fishy.. i need to find it myself. then i went to his twitter. stalked him and saw his tweets "today's date was nice, 11.12.13 how i wished i could have a date with someone i love" , "wow i guess today would be the day of many people going out with their couple" , "awhh please please say yes. dont turn it down, think twice". Okayy now i know the reason why he desperately asking me out. it was because of the beautiful date. but i dont think it was.

     suddenly it reminds me the past. 3 years ago, where we were still a friend. i was in form 2 and my school had 2 session and i was in the afternoon session. so in the morning, we texted each other. i was saying that my health was not good because im going to have a fever as i had flu .then he asked me to eat the medicine but i dont have. i only had the flu one. so he decided to send it off to my house. i was like, hey dont you go to school? he was in form 5 back then. then i knew that he didnt go to school wanted to send me the medicine. awwwhhh can you feel what i felt back then?! i was so touched with him. he didnt go to school just wanted to send me the fever pills? i meant, maybe it was a coincidence that he didnt go to school but still, i was touched, i was impressed with what he wanted to do. like it was an hour for me to go to school as i was taking a school van back then, it was the first time he tried to come to my house hahaha but sadly, he didnt found my house as my house was hardly to be found. and i ended our conversation with a bye as the school van had come to fetch me. so he had to go back home without handing me the medicine. he was determined to send it to me till he wanted to send it at my school but i didnt allow him to do so. because i was a prefect. a prefect should be a prefect. im not going to be the bad example of a prefect. however, i turned down his offer to go out on 11.12.13 because i dont feel like to.

******************
19.12.2013

        end of december, it was actually not the end of december yet. the condition of my family and i had been back to normal. our house has fully recovered! yeayyy!! so everyone had their own free time so do i. so i decided to go out because i wanted to watch hobbit 2, my favorite movie! i've watched hobbit 1 before so yaaaa i would like to watch the part 2! as during the hobbit 1 i watched it alone hmm not so actually, i was just with my friends ha ha ha! but not anymore. i was going to watch the hobbit 2 with him! yeayyy! we're going to meet after 2 years of not seeing each other. after a month of getting to contact each other. i was so sooo happy! i cant wait! i woke up so early in the morning just after did the prayer, i opened up my wardrobe to choose what to wear on that day. i tried on this and that, but still huh there's nothing look good on me. i felt like i was going to an interview of finding a job to amaze him. like seriously, what's wrong with me?! am i stupid? loony? mad? crazy? moron? okay enough of the questions so i decided to wear a simple casual look. i wore jeans from levis, a t-shirt and shoes from everlast. i may look simple and yaa i wanted to see what was his reaction when he saw me wore those things. is he going to walk with me? is he going to shower me with compliments? or he will shower me with negative comments? it's all depends on him.

*****************
        i was a punctual person. im not going to be late. if im late, that must have something that i REALLY cant put it aside until it makes me late. so i was the one who arrived there first. what.the.hell. that was what i felt when i have been there just exactly the time where both of us should be there. it's okay if he's late for 5 minutes to 10 minutes but it was an hour! CAN YOU IMAGINE?! i need to wait for him for 1 HOUR! you know what?! things i really hate was waiting. cant take it when I HAVE TO WAIT FOR AN HOUR. like seriously?!!! did he think he was a vip?! did he think he was a son of sultan that i have to wait for him for an hour like an idiot?! walking alone in that mall while waiting for him. and the worst thing is i had to buy the ticket for him too?!!!!!!! ughhh!!! he really did pissed me off! he was getting on my nerves that day. i was telling myself that in whatever it takes, im going to ask him to pay me double for the ticket! im not going to give him free. like hellooooo?!! after you made me like a slave waiting for a monkey like you. the way he act, he doesnt show me that he really loves me. he doesnt show me that he was really.madly.in.love.with.me. okay now he has put me into a way of i should be careful with him. i told myself to not fall for him 100% and i should make a move where i should back off before it's too late for me to turn my back off.

*****************
       we went to have our lunch before we went to watch the movie. i dont feel like to be so demand where i wanted to eat at the best place or any places that was highly costs. he asked me to choose the place that we should go so i suggested him to go have our lunch at the food court as the food there was not bad and the price too, nahhh i know he was a U student not an engineer nor a doctor. he's still using his money. or maybe his scholarship's money. i'm an understanding. kahkah! okay whatever. then, he refused to eat there. i dont know what was his real problem. did he tried to show that he have lots of money? did he tried to show me off with the money? or he just wanted to act cool in front of me? or he was scared that his friends going to see us together and report it to his ex girlfriend? guy... a guy like you, huh i can read that. im not stupid. he chose to eat at johnny's restaurant so huhhhhh with a sigh i followed him. i was actually full because ha ha! i filled my worms in my stomach at home so i decided to have just a drink only. he forced me to eat but i refused to. so he was the only one who had lunch actually. while he was eating, i cant stop gazing at him. we chatted, well it was actually him who talked and shared his story while eating and me? i just cant stop gazing at him. i looked at him i....i ....i dont know how to explain and what to say. my heart, my heart was blooming like a flower did during spring seasons.

        i was happy. i was so so so over the heels. over the moon, over the sky, over the hills to meet him again after 2 years of being stranger. i felt it was a miracle to me. the excitement of seeing him again makes my heart pumped quicker than before. the excitement that i've loss before.. that i've felt empty before, it was different now. i felt like it comes back after years it's gone. the excitement that i felt on him 2 years ago and on that day was the same. was exactly the same like 2 years ago. the joy of seeing him talking, sharing his story of his life was like a miracle. i finally got to gaze at him again. my heart... my heart... i felt like it has been filled and there's no more empty spaces. i felt different. so different. i smiled, i listened to what he's talking about and at the same time, i discovered that i've been longing to him all these years. i missed him. i miss him. i miss his voice, i miss his smile, i miss his laughter, i miss him being naughty, i miss to walk with him. i miss to sit with him. i miss to sit in front of him and look into his eyes. i miss to sit in front of him just wanted to gaze at him. i miss him talking to me. all these things, i've been missing it for years. i never thought i would love him again. i never thought i would feel the same way after 2 years of not seeing each other. i never thought that he would once again sit in front of me, talking to me, walking with me, watching movie with me.... am i dreaming? am i? do these things will last forever? or it will just be for a short of time for me to feel what i wanted to feel for these years? i thought i've fully moved on. but im wrong. i was actually still attached to him. and now, i really dont want to lose him again. i want him to stay. to always stay besides me..........

TO BE CONTINUED.......