"hey where's my alarm clock that you promised to buy it for me?" i was shocked! how did he remembered about it?! ughh i really want to make him forget about it. i really dont want to mention about it and i did not even mention about the alarm clock! okay wait, did he just said that i promised to give it to him? okay let me make a confession or tell "the truth" it was actually him. he was the one who were begging to me but in a way of "i am the one who made a promise to buy him a REAL alarm clock" .such a brainy guy huh? it happened when he kept asking me to wake him up from his plain blacky sleep. i meant, do guys sleep and have a dream? dont they just sleep in black dimension and wake up the next day and and they keep repeating the same thing everyday? maybe... okay maybe... maybe i fall for him. or it was a YES DEFINITELY. but doesnt mean that i dont have any works to do instead of waking him up from his boring sleep and asked him to go to his class. like hello, it was DECEMBER! my school holiday, and i should end my sweety pie holiday just by waking him up? i need to sleep too, i meant i wanted to have a longgg longgg sleep! "ahhh? when did i said that? when did i told you that im going to give you an alarm clock?" ..... "ahhh no, no you have to buy it for me. make it as my birthday present for the past months" he was such a meh.huh really ughhh but yet, i still likes him. whenever i felt i wanted to make him like a slave of a monkey hihi or whenever i felt mad at him, it was just last for a short of time. i cant mad at him for such a day or ever a night or even for hours! i cant, and why? why it happened ....why.... i just dont get it. was it because i really loves him? "hmm let's see lah later, i cant promise you but i'll do my best and dont keep asking me because i can change my mind" i answered nonchalantly.
yes! at last i could sit. after longgggg day of walking. well it was not so long actually i meant after an hour walking alone, waiting for this pretty son of a sultan where i dont know what sultan was it. he finally chose the place where we should eat. he even chose the seat. really ah? hahaha. he chose the couple seat you knowww. it was actually a single table where they provide 2 chairs and i considered it was a couple seat. okay whatever. so i got to see his eyes, his face, his smile, his EVERYTHING. opps not the private one. i was happy to meet him again after 2 years of being stranger. i felt it was a miracle to me. the excitement of seeing him again makes my heart pumped quicker than before. the excitement that i've loss before.. that i've felt empty before, it was different now. i felt like it comes back after years it's gone. the excitement that i felt on him 2 years ago and on that day was the same. was exactly the same like 2 years ago. the joy of seeing him talking, sharing his story of his life was like a miracle. i finally got to gaze at him again. my heart... my heart...
i felt like it has been filled and there's no more empty spaces. i felt different. so different. i smiled, i listened to what he's talking about and at the same time, i discovered that i've been longing to him all these years. i missed him. i miss him. i miss his voice, i miss his smile, i miss his laughter, i miss him being naughty, i miss to walk with him. i miss to sit with him. i miss to sit in front of him and look into his eyes. i miss to sit in front of him just wanted to gaze at him. i miss him talking to me. all these things, i've been missing it for years. i never thought i would love him again. i never thought i would feel the same way after 2 years of not seeing each other. i never thought that he would once again sit in front of me, talking to me, walking with me, watching movie with me.... am i dreaming? am i? do these things will last forever? or it will just be for a short of time for me to feel what i wanted to feel for these years? i thought i've fully moved on. but im wrong. i was actually still attached to him. and now, i really dont want to lose him again. i want him to stay. to always stay besides me..........suddenly, my anger towards him had gone. the anger of i had to wait for him for an hour, the anger that i kept for buying the ticket first and wanted him to pay me double of the original price had gone... i could feel my heart changed into a warm from being heated by the anger of me. it slowly melts the moment i looked at him. only god knows what i felt. there's nothing can be the image of what i'm trying to say. i was having a great time just by gazing at him. im so happy. i was hoping that this dont last. if i could stop the time....
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in the cinema, we were watching the hobbit 2. it was fun. but a slightly cold as i wore a t-shirt. heh i was skinny, i cant even stand with the temperature. haihhh how can i have a vacation in korea during winter though? lol okay enough. we kept fighting over something that related with the movie "they will be together at the end. trust me. she will likes him later" and i was like. nahhhh shut up youu "nooo they will kill each other and will not going to be together. she hates him trust me" okay i loss to him. he was correct this time and he smiled egoistically in front of me likeee WHAT?! "okayy okayy enough you won" i said nonchalantly .... "ha ha! got yaaa. i told you haa but you didnt believe me see??!" he smiled egoistically yet what was caught in my eyes was his smile. that smile really made my day i meant, i was like aaaaaa dont you dare to smile like that in front of me! ughhh i felt like i was falling slowly from one cloud to another clouds. ahhhh how can i live without that smile again if you leave me AGAIN? how can i cure my wounds when you started to leave again? it took 2 years to be normal back without you. lol i meant, i took 2 years to feel nothing, not to bother about you and yet, the fate made us being together again. and the wall that i built for 2 years of fighting not to feel the love again was broken easily by you. yes. i failed. i failed to back off. i kept telling myself to back off from you. im scared. scared that my wounds will start to bleed again, scared that this time would be more painful. scared that i cant live without you. scared that you will leave me with no words.
after watching the movie, we decided to have a walk before we went back home. before i, went back because i was the only one daughter in my family. the daughter of my mom and dad. they wont let me go out until night, i meant, i was 17 mom, dad! im not a child anymore but guess? they still think that i was 10 years ago. they even told me not to accept or follow someone that i dont know when they offer me a chocolate. WHAT IS THIS??! funny right? but yaaa that was my parents. they still think i was a child. they even didnt let me drive! ughhh okay i think they cant accept the fact that im getting older and beautiful kahkah. am i bragging about myself again? well excuse me for that. but what makes me feel like i was sooo sooo ugly is when he walked behind me. whyyyy WHY DID YOU WALK BEHIND ME ISNTEAD OF BESIDES ME?! okay now i felt i was the only one who ..... huh what a frustrating. when we were on escalator, i was looking behind me and what made me sad is when he was about 5 metres away from me! like i was walking alone, not with him. like he was alone and we didnt know each other. like can you imagine?! 5 METRES AWAY was like HELL TOO FAR from me! like, what are you scared of? did you scared that your ex will see us walking together? did you scared that your friends will see us? did you scared that people will talk bad about us? it was way too far... like we're strangers. I AM SO UNDER THE SOFA. lol im so sad till he started to walk besides me and yeayyy happy me! at last we got to walk together at the end. i was just me when i was with him, like there's nothing to hide from him. i was free to do anything in front of him. even though it was the 1st time we met after 2 years of not seeing each other, yet i still can be me. like we did see each other before. huh funny right?
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i was in the car. i was thinking. i was thinking whether my feelings towards him was real and one thing that i was so sure was... yes i finally sure that i loved him. i finally can breathe with longggg longggg breathe. i breathe in slowly while typing a message. a message where i wanted to answer him. a message where everything will change us. a message where a confession is made. "hey, i think i know the answer that you asked me before that whether i still loves you or nahh right? i think you didnt change for the past years till now and it was the same thing about my love to you. i think i fall for you AGAIN" i sent it to him. i can feel my cheeks turned into red and i can feel the heat. aaaaaa im soooo blushed with what i did. well, at least i answered him and yeahhh we have made a confession that we still loved each other. both of us. then he said that he was speechless and happy too. yeah i was happy too during the day. you dont know huh how i felt to you? you dont know how you have caught my heart huh? in other way, yaaa you're just a guy. a guy wont think too deep. if only you can read my heart, if only you can read my mind, if only you can read my eyes... you wont dare to hurt me again right? plus, you've said that you love me and you dont want to lose me again. so i kept your words. im going to do so. that will be the prove of your saying. later, we chatted on wechat as usual.. but this time, we spread the love between us more and more. or maybe it was only me who thought it was. day by day, our love were getting stronger so do the situation between us. the situation between us have changed. we faced the hardship. the hardship was getting tougher.
i fell in love more. if somebody were to ever ask me what was he like, i would become inarticulate because i dont think any amount of metaphors and similes could describe the way my body feels when i can sense his eyes on me. and no amount of make-shift poetry could express the way he makes me feel even when he's nowhere to be found. my life... it blooms just after he came back. how can i not sad how can i not feel down if he ever leaves me again? can you imagine how it looks?
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few days later, i received a direct message from a girl on twitter. i went to see it and guess what? come on come on babayyy try to guess it.... who was that girl? have someone crossed on your mind dear readers? yes absolutely. it was from his ex girlfriend. the girl who was with him for 2 years and they broke up few months before i met him again. i meant, before we started to get into each other back. so it shows that im not the one who made their relationship ends into that way because i was nowhere back then. we havent contact each other yet. it was written "hey, i will hang out with him today, if you dont mind can you let us meet?" i was like.. hahaha why did you ask me? are you trying to make me jealous huh? ha ha shame on you because i felt nothing. i dont mind if he wanted to go out with anyone because i trust him. yes that was the time i put my trust on him AGAIN. "oh really? okay have fun then :) " i replied nonchalantly..... "you dont mind if we are dating together? just both of us?" okay something's fishy. i started to think that she tried to make me jealous and have a fight with him. but im mature enough to think. i dont think it's such a big problem if they meet. he already told me that he wont turn back. he wont look back. past is past and he will keep moving forward. he said to me that he will just and preferred to be friend with her ex girlfriend. he told me that before this girl started to get into my life with this stuff. "lol it's okay. he told me that both of you were just friends and i dont mind as i trust him" now i think she tried to make me feel annoyed as she already knew about us.
"how can you just be happy while me? i was crying here seeing both of you were happy together. you're a girl too cant you feel what i felt?" okay suddenly she started to play with the emotions. hmm ya im not too cruel. im not cruel enough of letting this slide and ignore her. "well listen, i know what you felt. i feel what you felt too. but you know, i've been felt this for years. 2 years of seeing both of you happy while me?" i started to feel guilty even though it was not my fault that they ended up like that. even though i knew nothing why they were breaking up. i just... i just want to start a new life. a new relationship with him. yes god tested us with this hardship. the stronger the love, the tougher the hardships. that's my hypothesis based on my own theory. lol okay enough. then she replied "so? stop it. we both are girls. we understand each other. i cant live without him tia. just back off. he's mine." and ya i felt sad because she said that. i know how she felt. but i've felt this more longer than her. i dont know... i dont know what to reply.. what to say.. "then, you need to discuss this matter with him. both of you have met just now right? then, why dont you ask him yourself?" ....that was the only way i could do. if i was a selfish type, i will blame her. like, last 2 years if she didnt flirt with him, and i can blame him too for putting us in this way. like, if he keep waiting for me... if they dont be together this wont happen. i wont be blamed for being the third person. wait. am i the third person? am i? it happened to be even though im not there when they broke up? "yes, we met and we have so much fun you know. he said he still loves me even his home screen wallpaper was my picture. that tells how much he still loves me" okay.. OUCH... did she just said that to make me feel curious?
now im sooo soooo sure that she really want me to feel insecure with her saying and on. "oh okay, but im going to back off if only he made the decision. sorry, but this time i wont back off anymore." maybe i sounds selfish but... ya can you imagine? i've been back off since 3 years ago well as it was last year, so it's considered as '2 years ago'. i meant, i let her be.. i let her stay with someone i love. i let her stay besides him while i was here? hoping... hoping that he will turn back to me. and when it happened, i thought it was just a dream but it was real, can you imagine how i felt?! i've wanted this so much. im a girl too. but how long can i pretend not to love him ? how long can i pretend that im not hurt when seeing him with another girl? how long.... day by day... i just cant keep it anymore. i seek for my bestfriend, she's my best best listener, chawda. she didnt even complained if i always seek her to ask for her opinion and so. i told her about him and his ex girlfriend stuff. i once told her that i could feel her so im going to give up and back off. well, she was the one who actually fight for me. i meant, she told me like "enough tia, enough of being too kind, too humble, you deserve to be happy too, dont think about others, dont think about his ex girlfriend dont be. just think about yourself. please, for only this time, being selfish to own your happiness tia. enough of thinking others" maybe she was trying to say that im stupid. "enough of being stupid" actually hahaha. hmm ya this time. only this time. i wanted to be with him. im going to fight for him.
"dont you get it? he loves me! i loves him too! he's mine... then what's the use of he's using my picture as his home screen wallpaper? dont you get it? or are you stupid enough to undestand it?" she said it in anger. i know how she felt. but it's not fair for us. for me. i meant, she only want me to understand how and what she felt. then, what about me? who would want to understand me? why she just want to put a blame on me? why she only see me who should be blamed off? why cant she see his fault too? what im trying to say is if he didnt make one more step closer to me. if he didnt add me on wechat, if he didnt confessed to me what he was actually felt, this wont happen. i wont be in this such terribly worst dilemma. but i love him. ya this time. i wanted to fight for him. i keep saying this to myself that im going to back off if only he let my hands off again. if only he back off. if only he asked me to back off. that was the strongest feeling i ever felt towards him. my heart, my love for him make me tougher than before, make me stronger, keep fighting, keep facing this challenges of life. and with determination, i put a trust in Allah and him. i .... i wanted to believe him this time. then, i quickly log into my wechat and send a message. "hey, can i asked you something?"...... few minutes later i got his reply "yaa what is it?"..... "well, did you go anywhere today? i meant, did you went out with your ex girlfriend ?" ..... "oh yaa, i went out with her to settle and make a clear to her anyway, there was not just the two of us, it was actually three of us. i brought a friend well i dont want people to talk something behind us" it was a relief though. he told me before i question him more and more. "she told me that you confessed to her that you still loved her" i asked him in a proper way. does it look proper? "huh? i told her that i cant love her anymore and i preferred both of us to be just a friend" i....i dont know whether to believe it or not. im scared. scared of getting hurt with the same people......can you feel me? i felt guilty too towards his ex girlfriend... why.. just whyy?
TO BE CONTINUED....
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