should i believe him? should i trust him? should i give a try to trust him? should i? does it hurt if i put a trust on him? does it affects me so much? i was thinking... i was wondering.... questioning every single thing. maybe... maybe i should give him a chance.... maybe.... maybe i should give it a try.... maybe im going to be fine because he loves me. yes, he already said to. what to worry about? i shouldnt think too much. maybe this time, i just have to trust him. as a saying goes, "trust is the bridge to the long lasting relationship" yes... maybe i should just let it out... or i shouldnt? no i shouldnt. i should keep it just to myself. maybe i should believe him this time. yaaa only this time. everything's going to be fine. i just need to put my mind on positive things. i was telling myself to not think too much. i was telling myself that everything's going to be fine. does it? will it? yet, im still thinking, i was thinking too much, beyond the clouds. a pop sound was heard from my phone. i got a message on wechat. it was from him. i was startled as i was dreaming. nahh sort of as i was thinking.. and imagining something beyond the expactation cehhh. i received two pictures from him. two screenshots of his conversations with his ex girlfriend. but then, there are more conversations of they two. i meant, if i got his phone and i could scrolled up their conversations from the start till the end, then it would satisfy me enough!
it is shown when he said "when did i said i still loves you? like i said just when we met before, i preferred that both of us as a friend. i thought you got it. i cant love you anymore. i dont want us to be a rival." yeahh, i was happy that he showed me those little things.. well it can still be considered as evidences. "why? why you said those things? why you said those things when i know that it isnt" said the ex girlfriend. "no, it's true. it's the fact. please stop being childish. i cant love you anymore. accept the fact" said the loved one. what a relief. A BIG RELIEF when i saw those saying from his own. he gave me those screenshots just to justify his doings. and i.... i was doing fine with it. it means that i have made the right decision by trusting him again. yeah tia... it's not a waste by giving him a chance this time. an hour later, i received a direct message on twitter. it was from her. the ex girlfriend of him. "hey tia, please do take care of him. now i will let him go. please do love him" WHAT IS THIS? wait is he a child? is he going to be my husband anyway? why she sent me that thing? why is she telling me to take a good care of him? well, yea i know what she's trying to say. but... hmm i thanked to her as she started to face the reality. i meant, she started to move on. "he's old enough to take a very very good care of him. you dont need to worry. he's brainy enough to think what's good and bad." i said nonchalantly.
i was actually felt guilty to her though she said that she wanted to back off. am i that selfish? am i? because i started to think that i was so selfish just wanted to own my happiness. the happiness that i've waited for years that's, to be with him again. but then, i started to think that... maybe this is a sign.... a sign that i shouldnt think about myself. a sign that i shouldnt be selfish. a sign that i shouldnt do this. maybe..... maybe..... yaa maybe it's a sign for me. for me to back off. to let him go. this time, i should have fully move on. i should be strong enough to face the upcoming facts,lies, and situations where i would lost everything. but then, before i face those things, god gave me a sign. a sign where i should giving up on him. or if i still want to continue what im facing now, then i should be ready for the upcoming things.yaa i should put an end. i should forget about him. well, if he want to back off now, i dont mind as my feelings did not reach the level where i cant live without him or i cant stand to see him with someone else. okay i was lying that im okay if i saw him with someone else. it might hurts me.... A LOT. i sent him a message. "well, if you still loved her, then go. go to her.go get her back. dont think about me. you dont have to mind about what im going to be. im still not fully have feelings towards you. dont worry. just back off. back off if you think you cant hold back yourself without her. im okay. it's way better for you to back off now before you did just after im fully attached to you"
"you're doing good tia, dont worry... you dont love him to the fullest yet. you still can hold yourself back off him. yeah, you've made the right decision" i talked to myself. i comforted myself with those words. but.... i didnt realize... i didnt realize that i loved him. i dont even know that my heart had opened widely to welcome him. after all these while, it have been locked, zipped, and even glued till i cant even fall to anyone for a long time. without realizing that, suddenly i felt something washed my hand... like a drop of rain but.... i was in my room. no leaking in here. my cheeks, i can feel liquids brushed my cheeks. and i realized... i realized that i was crying. "why tia? why are you crying? nooo dont be. dont dont. you shouldnt. you have to let him go. he loved his ex girlfriend. dont be stupid" i mad at me,myself. then, i received his reply "no, im not going to turn back. past is past. why i shouldnt think about you? what you feel? huh, your mouth was saying that, but your heart was saying this.... two different things.. dont deny it tia" i cried even more.... i cried because he could read me? or... i .... i dont want him to go..... or.... i was hoping that he would be saying that he just want me? and i just realized that was the first time we fought after years havent met and contact each other. im denying that i could live without him. for real, i really want to fight for him. DEEPLY.
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THURSDAY,
it was our second date. yeayyyy!!!!! well, i was actually wanted to go out with my cousins. it's called as "cousins day out" but sadly, one of my cousins cant make it so there were only two left which are my cousin, intan and me. and i told him that im going to watch two movies with my cousin. "i wanted to follow you! let's watch together!" said him to me. lol i didnt asked him to go out with me. "hmm we wanted to watch 2 movies, police story and another one.... " okay i forgot what was the title for the second movie. so he said that he would join us watching the police story movie. okay we dealt. and it happened! the movie was around 4 pm something. so he would come around 2.30 pm to 3 pm sort of... so as my cousin and i wanted to watch 2 movies, we went there earlier than him. it was 12 pm lol! after watched the movie, i suddenly remembered about an alarm clock when we went into parkson to take a look in there. i saw an alarm clock. a cute alarm clock. there were in pink, red,white,blue,yellow... and what caught my eyes was the green color, plus, it was sooo cute! it's an apple shape and was in green! suddenly it reminds me of him. i still remember that it was his favorite color back then, 2 years ago. and my favorite color was purple. but i've changed now! i love blueee!! a peaceful color. his favorite color was fluorescent green and the alarm clock was in that color! i said to my cousin that i wanted to buy him an alarm clock. she gave me a green light! as it only left one there, i quickly grab it and bought it. then, i wanted to prank him.. hahaha i planned with my cousin.. we quickly bought batteries for it, then we bought paper bag and so. we put on the batteries and we set the alarm. hhahaha i wanted to set the alarm around 7pm so when he was walking with me later, he'd be shocked and panic. but my cousin said it will eventually humiliate us. so i decided to set it on 8pm. then we wrapped it up with a metallic wrapping giftbag.
he asked me the day before "hey, what are you going to wear tomorrow? i meant, what color of your cloth?" okay this is fishyyy " hmmm white maybe.. why? you want to wear the same color with me? awww" hahaha okay i was happy. lol maybe because he asked me that question. and that was the moment i was thinking that he would wear the same color like i did for tomorrow. so yaaa on thursday, as it was the day for us to meet again, to have our second date... lol but this time with my cousin.. i wore a white sweatshirt with the design of cat face. really elegant! it made me look elegant and i just love it! again... again he pissed me off, again he was getting on my nerves when he was late! WHY MUST HE BE LATE AGAIN?! he promised me to be punctual, ha ha ha, he was late again. ughhhh. at first, he was saying that he was stuck in a longgg jammed of a traffic light. okay i waited for him. then, i met kaimira.. my best buddy. lol! guess what? she was dating with her scandal. her scandal that she was madly in love of! yeayyy so i said that i'm going to go out with my ex boyfriend, the one that we bet before in food court. plus, back then, we bumped into each other too when i was going out with him for the first time after 2 years not seeing each other. but we only got to say hi and bye. so she had seen him before. so as we talked and so, we decided to walk together.. i meant, kaimira and i decided to have a double date! hahaha sooo happy me. but it was half an hour waiting for him. yet, he still didnt show up! WHERE THE HELL WAS HE ACTUALLY?!
so kaimira and i decided to cancel our double date as she and her scandal are going to watch movie... and same goes to me! i was going to watch too... he still didnt show up! i called him. "hey where are you? the movie was about to start in 10 minutes... where the hell are you?" i was controlling myself from getting mad at him. im covering up my voice, lowered it down and make it seems cool to be heard. "sorry, my friend's car tyres were punctured. it's not far from there. wait im going to make it fast" ..... "okay" we ended our conversation. i was waiting for him passionately then i went to the counter of wanting to buy popcorns for my cousin but she refused to so we just stand there and look on the time showing for movies... he texted me. "where are you?" i replied "i was in white sweatshirt.. it was only me in white here where are you by the way?" i was looking around but i cant get to see him. i was so nervous like it was our first meeting in my life.. like it was the big day for the wedding on tv dramas.. " havent reached yet, just asking" then i turned back to see the time showing and i received "okay im here" and the moment i turned my back, as the time showing was exactly straight to the escalator, i saw nothing, not a figure of him but few seconds later he was slowly showing up... i saw his face, body... and he walked straightly towards me. he was in white to gray sweatshirt. OMG! i was sooo sooo blooming! my heart was pumping fast and fast and even faster to its level where my heart was going to burst!! it was soo dramatically. just exactly like a korean movie where the heroine which was me, and the hero which was him, the heroine was waiting and the hero came out appeared slowly on the escalator... and their love getting deeper. kahkah okay whatever!
he was soooo sooo handsome! i just love his style! yes we did met again as i've decided that im going to be with him. that im going to fight for him. im so sure with the decision i made. so that's why we stand here today, together, seeing each other... talking to each other... just exactly like i wanted to. i thanked to god that he brought him back to me, taking the pain of losing him back then and placed it with the happiness that i've waited for. so we went into the cinema, watching the movie. and this time, i wanted to be committed and make the person i love happy, which was him. yes, he have to accept the fact that i need time to get comfortable with him, i expect us to last. i did... i did felt comfortable when i was with him. i was hoping that we're not going to leave over small fights or over thinking or anything like that. i was hoping that we would work things out because im investing my time in him and he's doing the same so yaa let's not waste each other's time by leaving each other a month later. if we're in it together, we're in it with a mentality that we're going to be together for years, or even forever. and if you're mine, i want you to be sure that you're really mine. so, i'll give all the love you need and make you the happiest person on earth. and well, i want us to be happy and not give two fucks about anything or anyone around us because if you do care about the way i act, then we cant be together as i just want crazy stupid love that no one can beat.
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after watching movie, we have a walk together and went back. "by the way, you chose the same seat in the cinema just exactly the same place where we watched hobbit 2 last time." wowww he noticed about it even i didnt. "wahhh you have a good memory so i guess you should always remember about it"..... "of course lahhh i will" said him to me hihi. i was going back with my cousin so we didnt straightly went back home. it was about 7.40 pm so yeahhhh thanked god we got to go back early as it only left 20 minutes for the alarm clock to ring. hahahahaha intan, and i was doing a countdown for the alarm clock to ring. i was hoping that he's still there. lol he said that he will not going to open the gift that i gave him because he said that he love it. lol but however, he should open it just after the alarm clock rang if he dont want to be humiliated. lol okay it seems that im going to be a naughty tia. hahahahaha minutes by minutes we waited. i was at a restaurant with my cousin's family to have our dinner and it was the time. it was already 8 pm! i still havent got his message. so we waited and having our dinner. few minutes later, i received his message "tiaaaaaa!!! it was ringing!!! soooo loudly!!! i dont know how to stop it! where should i press?!" hahahahahahaha yeayyy! we did it intan! i made it ! he was in panic. lol "hahahahahahahahaha just find it there, behind the alarm clock just turn it off" ......" ughh tia, thanked god that i was already in the car, well after you got back i went to TC with my friends. so i left it out in the car and the moment when i went into the car it was ringing! and my friend said 'haaa you're busted' grrr it was so embarrassing, i was planning not to open it :( " my cousin and i were burst into laugh! we laughed with full of satisfaction. lol both of us were soo cruel. "heyy i gave it to you as you said you wanted to change. you dont want to skip your class anymore if i bought an alarm clock, you would be using it. how can you said that you dont want to open it? then it's a waste! " i mad at him. mad with full of love! hahahaha i love him. i was blooming like a pink flower started to bloom on the first day of spring season in london! "btw, you look so pretty today ;) " okay again im OVER BLOOMING just after receiving his text. awwwhhh i love you even more :*
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"tiaaaa you know what? i found a shirt for men that the design have a cat face like yours.. i meant like your sweatshirt's design and i bought it! im going to wear it when we go out together again and you can wear yours. so we will look like a sweet couple" mentioning about 'couple'... yeah we havent make a declaration about our relationship. he didnt asked me... like i dont know what was the title of our relationship for now. he didnt asked me to be his couple. i meant, we're still in the 'friendzone relationship' even after we made our confession. even after he said he loved me. that was the time i started to think that... is he being real to me? is he a faithful guy? is he? but i ceased it out of my mind. i was trying to think and put the positive values on my mind. maybe he's not ready. maybe... maybe he needs time. maybe... and maybe.... maybe he wanted to make sure that our relationship goes well. i just need to wait. i need to be faithful this time. yaaa im going to.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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