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JANUARY 2014
it was already january 2014. today is the day of the first day of school! yeayyyy! i cant wait to meet my friends again, i cant wait to tell the story of my life during the school holidays.. i just cant wait. it's 6 am the time where i woke up and got ready for my school. as im a prefect, so i have to come more earlier than the ordinary students in the school. i checked on my phone and found out there's a message from him "good morning princess! have a nice day, take care and be good" i was happy. the starting of my 2014 was a smile on my face. but still, we fought a day before. during the new year's eve. so the starting was not so good. we fought over something that was sooo fishy-jelly-jewellery. i grab my prefects' tie in my wardrobe and wear it. the tie.. i never tied it anymore after he tied it for me.. yaa, it was 3 years ago. it reminds me of the day where i just installed to be the real prefect when i was in form 2. it was the second to third time i wore the full uniform and i still dont know how to tie the tie. "im going to school at 11.30 am tomorrow with my school van but i dont know how to tie it hmm plus my father dont know how to tie it too and my brothers are not here to help me" i said to him so that i will get a support from him hihi. but i never thought that he would say, "it's okay, do you want me to tie it for you? if so, im going to your house then" i was happy back then! i smiled over the moon man.. but i just remembered that he was in morning session "ehh? how can you come to my house if you are in school?" he replied with a confident "nahh, i can ask teacher to go out for an excuse that it's an emergency" so ya, it's an okay for me then.... the next morning he came with a friend who drove the car. he asked me to show up in front of my house. so i did. i saw him. it was around 10.30 am.
i walked to him. "ehh? where's your school uniform?" he smiled and replied " i didnt go. you asked me to tie your tie right? " but i never asked you to not come to school! grrr he's something back then. i was like "eeeee you lied to me" then he asked me for the tie so i gave him. it was funny when the first time he tied it, the back one of the tie was longer than the front one. ahahhahaha i mad with laughter. then he redo it again and this time the head of the tie was too big for me a girl who should wear it. the one at the top of the tie, i called it the head of the tie. hope you get what i meant.how funny it was and the third time was when i asked him to redo it again! he did it. the third was perfect. i press the head a bit and it turned up to be smaller. so yeayy it's so nice. i thanked him and he went back "take care dont be naughty" he reminded me. i went to school with a happy face! one of my friend asked me "heyy, nice tie who tied it for you?" i smiled and answered "my boyfriend. sweet rightttt?" hahahaha i laughed and she replied me with a jealousy look "grrr so lucky you to have him, plus, he's also a prefect, same colour of our uniform. hawhhh so sweet" we laughed.. and ya, i was lucky to have him. i just love the tie that he tied for me till i keep it in tied. i didnt untie the tie till we broke up and even now...
i started my 2014 school session wearing the tie he tied. i never untie the tie. till it have been half of my life.. i meant, for 3 years i wore the tie that he tied for me. can it be one of the reasons im still being longing to him? but who cares? i just dont want to untie it. my mother once wanted to untie it but i stopped her. thanked god she was just touch it and didnt do anything yet. fiuhhh~ what a relief. so ya same with this year, the first day of school. im wearing my full uniform with the tie he tied for me 3 years ago. you can call me insane but that was the only thing he left for me and also the memories of us after we broke up. there's nothing i can hold on. the moment i miss him, i look at my tie. the moment i wanted to be with him... i waited till monday and wear the tie. because we're only wear the full uniform on monday. im happy.. that was the thing i would do when i cant tell him that how much i miss him, when i cant even tell him that i need him..i wanted him to be by my sides.. when im hurt seeing him with his girlfriend. you can call me crazy stupid insane. but that was just me. i always keep it to myself. sometimes, even if i cant hold it to myself anymore and i just express what i felt to my bestfriend, she was there to listen to give me a word. but she cant understand me.. she cant feel me. at the end, she will just asked me to forget him. i've tried! i tried so much! you dont know how much i tried... how much i get through all these shits....you dont know how much i tried to cure the wound that bleeds me to death.
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i was in a relief after his ex girlfriend stayed away from me. i meant, she didnt make me felt guilty anymore... even i still feels it a little but i decided to ignore it. i wanted to think about me. well, she had giving up on him. she already said it. so im going to fight for him again, no matter what happen... as long as he would stay besides me and love me... im going to fight for it. as i said, im going to back off if only he's the one who asked me to back off, if only he's the one who let my hands off. i received a direct message on twitter.. i never thought she would come back... she's back. and her saying of giving up on him had been ceased off. now she have changed her intention to back off. " you're the reason of what's happening now. he's mine. i told you he's mine plus, we are going to get married in three years from now. dont you get it? he loves me" last week... ya last week, she said that she would giving up on him. she would just let him be.. even she left me her last words of asking me to take a good care of him. now... i know... i knew it. i knew that she wouldnt ever and ever giving up on him. she would get him no matter what's going to happen. all i see is, she's going to do anything just to make sure that she'll get him back. "why all of sudden you seek me back? why?" i asked her... she is just.... i dont know "you know, i just got back from going out with him today. awwhh we're so happy together. his home screen wallpaper is my picture." i felt sad.. does it true? is it the truth?
but then, i remembered. she once lied to me about going out with him. i called him many times in tears as he didnt answered my calls. as im scared if all things that the girl said was true. im scared that i would lose him again. im scared that he would leave me again. then he answered after so long of not picking up my calls. i asked him through a phone call and he said that he was just awake from his sleep. he was sleeping in his room for the whole day and he even asked me to talk with his mother if i still didnt believe him. we are just going to have a fight again but the moment he told me that he was not going anywhere on that day... i believed that his ex girlfriend just wanted to make us burst into fights. how... i just cant... how can she do this? she's desperately want him back. but you know... i've fully attached to him. how can i let him go again? how can i back off for someone else again? i've waiting this for 3 years. hmm. and this time, she was saying that she just got back from going out with him. in other words, "dating". before i asked him, he already texted me. "tia, today i went out with my father to seek for a dentist.. my teeth.. it hurts a lot mannn. but the place was closed, haihh" see? i told you. she lied to me AGAIN. he was with his father! then i decided to play a lie with her.. i replied her direct message on twitter " ehh? he was with me today. how come he was with you? i stayed after school and meet him. i just got back from school" i wanted to see what was her reaction.. and yeah, she's getting on her nerves "stupid, dont lie to me. i know you're lying" and i'd be like... "haha, so if it's true you're with him dont mad at me..i will follow your flow as you're good at lying" yes.. i've been acting like im cool before.. she had cursed me and so. and this time, i wont be soft to her anymore.
she replied "both of you were such (^&@#% " she cursed at me. she used harsh words on me. as i still respect her, i never cursed her. i didnt reply harsh words on her. because i know how to show a good manner. and i replied "if it's true, you dont have to curse and use harsh words on me. it shows how desperate you are" i decided to block her because it annoyed me. i just cant take it anymore. i just dont want he make me deal with his ex girlfriend. i sent him a chat on wechat "dont make me deal again with your ex girlfriend please. just dont." i screenshot our conversations and showed him... he didnt reply. he keep it in silence. he didnt support me anymore. he didnt even backing me up. whenever i saw her header on twitter, all i can see was his picture and her bio was about their couple date... i asked him ... he said he has nothing to do with her.. he said to ignore her.. but whenever it comes to me.. whenever his ex girlfriend used harsh words on me.. asked me to back off... cursed on me.... blamed me and said i was the reason of their relationship turned to be that way... he never stands for me. the one when back then he was having a conversation and screenshots to me... it was the first and last he stood for me. and after the incident.... it was all me. im all alone, standing it for myself. fight for him.... you know how it feels? all i felt was.... i live in a deceiving world. where all were grown with full of lies...
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it was saturday... the clean and clear project after the flood still is in progress. i was helping my mother with the house chores work. "tia, come and see which book you think you dont want. i wanted to sell it " my dad voice was heard. i quickly ran to my dad and saw a hill of books. wow, i never thought that i have so much books. "okay i'll choose which one i want and i'll call you just after im done" i said to my father with full of respect.. as it's the way on how to talk with our parents right? he then went to the back of our house to clean the place. i was choosing one by one of the books... i was looking the book where i thought it can still be used. suddenly, i saw 2 books... my history comics..." komik sejarah tingkatan 1 , komik sejarah tingkatan 2" hawhh it's all ruined by the flood. it was the gift from him when i was in form 2. well it was not actually the gift. he treated me those books. i was asking him to buy me the comics as i wanted to use it for my PMR. he bought for me back then and sent it to my house. the moment i wanted to pay him back.. he refused to accept my money even when i forced him to accept it... he refused to. at the very end.. ya, i was the one who let him win. he won... he even won my heart.. im back to my sense... as we were not getting along at that time.. i decided to throw it away... it hurts me so what? he started to hurt me again. our relationship? huh. we were not like last month. no... "you've change..." i once told him that. and he said that he was in confuse. he needs time. okay... i started to feel something bad is going to happen where i need to prepare myself with the circumstances...
it's sad when you tend to give your all to that one person you love even if it means hurting yourself... but the person you love? he tend to only take what you give but never have the need to give you what you actually deserve the most which is pure... love. i started to feel that i was the only one who fought for him. i dont feel that he's still fighting for me.. i felt he has stopped for a longgg time. but what keeps me stronger is my promise... my promise towards him that im going to fight for him and stop if only he's the one who let me go, who let my hands off... and that.. im going to back off and never turned my back on him again.. he wont see me again. i wont make an appearance anymore. no.. im not going to... and when i remembered his confession of saying that he still loves me.. it breaks my heart into pieces... " i still loves you" is the saddest fucking sentence in the whole world of my life. he gave me hopes... he gave me the happiness that i wanted to... he lives in my world after he left me 3 years ago. but now.. it seems that... it was all lies. days by days.. im getting hurt... he... he was....
i smiled.. i smiled the moment it reminds me of the past... it was the first time he found my house. i requested him to buy me nasi ayam at the night market as i was craving for it back then. 3 years ago, he's being so nice to me.. he bought nasi ayam and sent it to my house. he even bought the wing part. i didnt told him that i like the wing part. "awhhh how did you know that the wing is my fav part?" im so over the moon when he replied "well, i have the strongest instinct" hihi. it made my day! i... i just love him at that time. im so glad to have him by my side... after i've been hurt with my ex boyfriend that i really loved... he left me after it was about a year of us being together.. he left me for another girl... and i let him go when he decided to have me and that girl as his girlfriends. wtf? he made me forget about my ex boyfriend. as his acts, my love towards him growing even more... i cant take it anymore... the flashbacks and now... i just cant. i seek for my best listener, chawda... she said to me "forget how he called you beautiful. forget how he gave you the butterflies every time you saw him. forget your first meet. forget how everyone talked about how cute you two were together. forget chatting with him till 4 am. forget everything you loved about him. remember how he broke your heart last 3 years. it's time for you to give up before it's too late tia. forget all about him" it breaks the silence into tears.. i cried.. i cried because i felt the same thing but i refused to listen to it.. i .... am i stupid? is it true that i've been fooled? AGAIN?... i....i just cant..... we are running in circle and...and i wished you to come back again... am i wrong for wishing those little shit things? am i? ...
TO BE CONTINUED.....
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